Please don’t beat yourself up for enjoying the attention of someone who is very interested in you. Dating is for figuring out whether you want to keep spending time together and a mirage looks just like a real oasis until you’re close enough to drink the water.

 

Tell yourself this story: You met someone interesting and gave it a try. It wasn’t quite right, but it felt good sometimes and reminded you why you put yourself through the whole “dating” thing. This was practice, and thanks to the time you spent with this guy you have a better idea of your boundaries and wishes. He’ll be just fine without you, and somewhere out there there is someone who is all the good things this guy is, plus some even better things, minus the stuff that annoys the ever-loving shit out of you.

I’ve been on both sides of the “Have you eaten a food today? Do you think you might try that?“-level of caretaking from and for a partner, and it sucks to be in either role when you don’t know if or when things will get better. For a relationship to survive a crisis like that, you have to like the person (not just love them) and respect the person (not just love them). When things are at their worst, do you still make each other laugh, do you still turn to each other and see each other as someone with much to offer, do you still treat each other with affection and find pleasure in each other’s company? Do you believe and trust that the struggling person is doing the best they can within their limitations, and treat them as the expert on their own life? Do you still respect each other’s autonomy and understand that help is there to be offered and accepted but can’t be forced? When things improve, can the caretaker let go and not calcify your roles into The Helper and The One Who Needs Help?

And hey, it’s worth noting, your asexuality isn’t something you have to apologize for or something that dooms you to substandard relationships where you do all the emotional labor.

There’s so much about healing from abuse that involves keeping people at a safe distance while you process what happened to you and try to avoid repeating it in the future, and so much of grad school is spent analyzing things in a way that “gets beyond” whether you liked it or didn’t like it, as if feelings are suspicious and enjoyment is irrelevant. Between these two endeavors, it’s easy to see how you’d get stuck somewhere between a permanent flinch and dutifully eating your vegetables before you can have dessert. 

With the other people and relationships in your life, pay attention to who makes you feel seen, safe, welcome, and appreciated. Who shows up for you consistently and makes you feel cared for? Who appreciates the care and attention and affection you offer them? Pay attention also to who makes you feel exhausted, on edge, ashamed. Spend way more of your time on being kind to the first group and way, way less energy on figuring out and managing the whims of the second.