If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem.
The exclamation-point junkie: Uses at least three exclamation points in a row ... often several times in the same status update.
The person who just can't get over their breakup: Buzzfeed's delicious sample status update: "1 universe, 9 plants [sic], 204 countries, 7 seas, 6 billion people, and you think I need you? :) ha"
The showoff: Best distinguished by the posting of photos involving people striking a hells-yeah-I'm-cool pose while holding bottles of booze. Gold chain optional.
The comma-phobe: Sample update: "6am work coffee work more coffee work maybe dinner work midnight = my monday boo"
The insomniac: Do you ever wake up to Facebook without seeing a "Why am I up??" post made by one of your friends five hours ago?
Corporations are People taken to the extreme