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  • But there exists a certain hierarchy of desirable identities based on the social hierarchy of privilege. She offers a pause-giving empirical perspective on that totem pole of desirability regarding race and gender:

     

    MEAD: [Psychologists] asked the little white boys which they would rather be, little white girls or little Negro boys. What do you think they said? … They said they would rather be little Negro boys.

  • But identity, Baldwin argues, isn’t something we are born with — rather, it is something we claim for ourselves, then must assert willfully to the world:

     

    BALDWIN: You’ve got to tell the world how to treat you. If the world tells you how you are going to be treated, you are in trouble.

  • Anyway, we decided collectively that “I’ll never hit you” is like a car salesman assuring you that “This car has WHEELS!” (Did I get that analogy from Captain Awkward? Because I couldn’t remember where I pulled it from.) Like, wheels is the fucking minimum, dude. You get no points for that, but the fact that you’re calling attention to it like it makes you some sort of saint is deeply concerning. DO NOT BUY THAT CAR. EVEN IF IT DOES HAVE WHEELS. THEY WILL PROBABLY FALL OFF.
  • I tortured myself for a long time trying to figure out why I felt so wronged…it wasn’t Abuse, was it? It couldn’t be – that was something Bad People did, and this person was just…really sad, right? I couldn’t fault someone for having Feelings at me, right? Feelings are Okay! But reading the description above of Mr. Sensitive chilled my blood.
  • Currently walking that They Are Having Feelings and Feelings Are Okay//This Person is Hurting Me Emotionally with their Feelings line myself. It sucks so much because you try to be generous and forgiving for so long that by the time you realise you don’t have anything left to pour into the black hole they have become addicted to you in a way and it is that much harder to extricate.

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  • If you can’t say “no” to him without dread and consequences, then this is already dead. I’m sorry.
  • Lots of abusive and controlling men have real emotional and psychological problems that could use the help of a compassionate professional somewhere along the way. The problem is that instead of getting help, they take the misogyny cure and decide the solution for their sad feelings can be found by closely monitoring the woman in their life and making sure she never leaves or does anything that threatens their fragile sense of well-being. Their emotional problems/sad life history becomes a way for them to beat themselves up and receive comfort from her (You’ll probably leave me because I’m so boring) and guilt her into staying (But what will poor fragile me do without you?).
  • As sure as I am that his anxiety is real, I am also sure that this is not your problem to solve for him. He’s already crossed over into manipulating and controlling you and while he may cross back out of doing that at some point in the future after getting some help, this relationship is already compromised and I don’t think you should stick around to see if that happens.

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Mar 26, 15

This blog is one of my daily reads, although she is writing way too little for my taste.

Mar 25, 15

I was very very amused by this, but in no way obligatory reading. Also, it _is_ actually incomplete ;)

  • *Riley is the human incarnation of the color beige

  • Rule 4: Reward intermittently. Intermittent gratification is the most addictive kind there is. If you know the lever will always produce a pellet, you'll push it only as often as you need a pellet. If you know it never produces a pellet, you'll stop pushing. But if the lever sometimes produces a pellet and sometimes doesn't, you'll keep pushing forever, even if you have more than enough pellets (because what if there's a dry run and you have no pellets at all?). It's the motivation behind gambling, collectible cards, most video games, the Internet itself, and relationships with crazy people.
  • Things will be better when...
  • Keep real rewards distant. The rewards in “Things will be better when...” are usually nonrewards—things will go back to being what they should be when the magical thing happens. Real rewards—happiness, prosperity, career advancement, a new house, children—are far in the distance. They look like they're on the schedule, but there's nothing in the To Do column.

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Mar 25, 15

my design is so much prettier, but maybe I can adopt a detail or two.

  • Simple rule number one: Understand what others do.
  • When there are too many layers people are too far from the action, therefore they need KPIs, metrics, they need poor proxies for reality. They don't understand reality and they add the complicatedness of metrics, KPIs.
  • Create feedback loops that expose people to the consequences of their actions.

  • Sometimes, however, we forget this more structural critique and talk about consent as an individual process—not asking “What kinds of power are operating in this situation?” but only “Did you or did you not say yes?”
  • we need to think about consent not as the words two-or-more rational, free, horny agents exchange when they’re about to get down, but as a collective process of lowering barriers to empowered choice.

  • An interesting exercise asked us to define what we actually meant by 'impact assessment' - we realised that for many of us, it was a way to work out whether the interventions we were leading, were having a positive or negative effect on the communities we're working with. Most of the time, though, these impact assessments act as feedback to donors for the said activity - so I do wonder what it would take, or how often it comes about, that an impact assessment carried out internally actually reveals anything but a positive outcome.
Mar 24, 15

I did not get around to reading it yet, but part of the "compare this with Federici" pile. Also, more books to read -.-

  • Read books are far less valuable than unread ones.
  • The library should contain as much of what you do not know as your financial means, mortgage rates, and the currently tight real-estate market allows you to put there.
  • Let us call this an antischolar — someone who focuses on the unread books, and makes an attempt not to treat his knowledge as a treasure, or even a possession, or even a self-esteem enhancement device — a skeptical empiricist.

  • Something my partner has been saying lately, due to some issues people he knows are having… if you have a problem in your relationship and your partner is not an ally you trust to help you work on it together, but is instead someone you are worried about how to approach and how to deal with your issue with, then you have two problems in your relationship.
  • I actually feel relieved and more able to be chill in x’s presence when it is acknowledged that x doesn’t like me and I don’t like x. It’s the forced pretense that we like each other that strips away my patience. Civility demands certain behaviors, it doesn’t demand certain feelings.
  • (At which point, I wasn’t just a bitch, I was the queen of all bitches, and I was going to drive my bitch army across the plains of your puny kingdom and smite everyone with my bitchy wrath, which is kind of what happens if you bottle up your very reasonable indignation at being treated poorly for five years and then one day wake up and find you’re in the Fuckits.)

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