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Chris Morrow

Chris Morrow's Public Library

  • Now, reader Dave would like to point out that College Humor did a quick poll of this phenomenon ages ago. Of 4,214 voters, 56% sat, while 44% stood. I found this breakdown to be shockingly even. I never knew. Such is the insular and private nature of our world in the john that we can find ourselves stunned at such different methodology.


  • True story (though not terribly interesting). Like many others, I've always stood while wiping, and it never occurred to me to sit. Don't know why; guess it was how I was taught. Last week, I went to my sister's for Thanksgiving, and her 2-year-old needed help wiping while she was changing her 6-month-old's diaper, so I was assigned duty. I went in and told him to stand up for me to wipe, but he wouldn't. He looked at me like I was crazy. We stood at an impasse for a couple of minutes, until my sister finally showed up to find out what was the delay, and then went ahead and wiped him while he was still seated on the toilet. I thought this was something special for the little'uns, the wiping while seated, until I read your column. And I'm a Pediatrician.


  • I was FUCKING SHOCKED to see my friend standing up and cramming toilet paper in his ass. I quickly exited, and went back to the living room where I promptly informed the other 5 guys what I had witnessed. "Dude, he was standing and wiping his ass! How fucking weird is that shit!?" Instead of the uproarious laughter I expected, I was met with complete silence. I would come to find out that I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN THAT HOUSE THAT SAT DOWN WHEN I WIPED MY ASS. As I was high as fuck at the time, this situation completely blew my fucking mind.

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    One time our hotel maid in Las Vegas arranged my kids' toys in a battle scene. The kids thought it was the coolest thing ever, and yes, we left a tip. Do you ever do anything special for the people you clean up after?

    • I once accidentally left a barely used (had just bought it that day) bong out in a motel room. I had forgot to leave the "do not disturb" sign up. I returned several hours later to find the bongwater had been emptied, and the slide had been cleaned and was sitting in the ashtray on the desk.


      She was tipped well.

      • [–]ckypop 12 points13 points  (3 children)

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        Bribery, "borrowing" things and amenities, eating the food's hotel, bringing it home, peddling weed, selling alcohol for half off, not registering it and bringing back an identical bottle without the 500% markup, all sorts, really, whatever you could figure out.


        [–]catslikecatnip 25 points26 points  (2 children)

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        the food's hotel? You ate a fridge?


    • Think about it: Every driver makes hundreds of daily driving decisions that, strictly speaking, break driving laws (for example, crossing the yellow line to pull around a double-parked vehicle). It all works out fine because of something called “human judgment.” But what company is going to program its driverless cars to break the law? 
    • Approximately 1.6 million Americans are truck drivers, and their jobs are on the hockey-mask-wearing villain’s chopping block. Is it really all that “efficient” to unleash a technology that will wipe out all these jobs? Isn’t it also efficient for people to have gainful employment? Creative destruction is fine, but we should deploy appropriate levels of regulation to ensure that it remains as creative as it is destructive. The skills and training for being a truck driver are not easily transferable to other occupations (except maybe driving for Uber).

    • Google opposed such potential regulations because having a human driver "could be detrimental to safety because the human occupants could attempt to override the [self-driving system's] decisions," the NHTSA noted in the letter to Google about the new ruling.


    • Driving safely often times requires reacting to the psychology of other drivers, especially when driving defensively. In order to drive as defensively as the safest human driver, I would think a computer would need human psychology programming to be as safe as a human.

    • In fact, this is a subplot that could gain even more mileage out of the other people in Terry’s story behaving atypically; just imagine if the subplot had taken a front seat in this episode, the way that the lockdown had in “Lockdown.”
    • Boyle: “That’s glib. No being glib. It’s on the list.”
      Jake: “So sick of the list. I don’t even know what glib means.”
      Boyle: “Ask yourself this: Is it something you can hear Garfield saying? If so, it’s glib.”

    • Yes I am real, yes this is real. The super bowl was 2 days ago. The weather in the triangle area was dark and cloudy today. Looks like it's going to be the same tomorrow.

    • As a person I break and follow a bunch of stereotypes. *I like cooking and I also like snakes *I'm mediocre in calculus but love chemistry *I think baseball is one of the most boring sports ever created but watch the olympics and world cup avidly *I'm an introvert who loves dancing and karaoke, especially around strangers *Growing up I loved legos, building everything from malls to cursed forests to a bond villian like lair. * I dislike gore in most movies but enjoyed everything single dissection I've done for school from frog to human. I imagine you follow and break a bunch of stereotypes too.

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      I think the reason people in their early teens and twenties sometimes fear if it is 'too late' for anything, even when they are so young, is because they are comparing themselves to their peers. You need to stop comparing yourself to others, and realize that life isn't a race.

      • Man, one of my best friend's roommates has this stepdad who was a truck driver all his life. Then suddenly, when he was in his late forties, he decides "nah, fuck truck driving- I want to be a neuroscientist."


        Then he fucking did it.


        Craziest part about it? He's gone on to make significant strides toward fighting/ending (something like that) Lou Gehrig's disease. IIRC he discovered the genome one of the genes responsible for it. Downside is, there was some legislation that recently got passed that prevented him from making much off his finding.

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        You are also comparing your insides to everyone else's outsides. That will nearly always make you come across as inferior to your peers. They may seem like they have it all together. Guess what - that's exactly how you may look to them, because they can't see your inner conflicts.


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          • [–]maria-pistolas 5 points6 points  (1 child)

            sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

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            As a lady with a dog I'm devoted to and will totally bring on dates if possible, most of what you say rings true.


            I had a first date last week who bought my pup a bone as we were walking past the shops. Guess who is getting a second date.


            [–]sqth 16 points17 points  (0 children)

            sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

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            Who's a good first date? Who's a good first date?


          • [–]fursoccerTurbidity - cloudyness of a liquid due to particles 2 points3 points  (1 child)

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            Ah bald gum dude


            Old gym guy


            Fat benchpressrr


            Lady who squats the barbel in the rack


            Jacked dude


            [–]Dayman80[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

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            You got it fursoccer.

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            You're a girl in the gym. I'm sorry, but every guy notices you.


            [–]Dayman80[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

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            See, I didn't realize that. I figured guys were there to work, same as me. I guess I'm completely naive.


            [–]Asteroth555Male/25/NYC 2 points3 points  (0 children)

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            We DO go there to work out. For example, I make it a point to never speak to women in the gym because I know they just want to be left alone to their work outs.


            But we still check them out. We can't help it, it's biological...

          • [–]throwaway_okc_F 1 point2 points  (4 children)

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            Why don't you want to date people from your gym?


            [–]Unaufhaltbarr28/m/Boston 2 points3 points  (1 child)

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            People will refuse to date someone for the most asinine reasons. We'll never know. It's her choice ultimately.


            [–]IamA_DrunkJedi29.6 - New Jersey. 2 points3 points  (0 children)

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            My gym is kind of my temple. I don't mind sharing it, but you and I go out on bad terms, I don't want to have to worry about running into you at my temple.


            I don't think it's entirely unlike not necessarily wanting to date a coworker. Sure, the rule is flexible, but it's still a rule that applies to most.


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        • I don't have a magical solution for you, but one thing you can afford to do is stop seeing your male peers in terms of "alpha" and "beta." I've never met a guy who used these terms and didn't have terrible self-worth issues and social anxiety thinking they're "beta," or who wasn't a complete asshole thinking they're "alpha."


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            Don't go for the ugly friend at first in an attempt to make yourself look better for the attractive one.


            I'm the ugly friend, and those are the only times I've been flirted with IRL. I know what you're trying, and it's not subtle. We all know you're not interested in me, you're interested in her.


            I'm fat, I'm not pretty, I'm awkward, I have a shrill voice and an annoying laugh and I'm far too loud and noisy. I 100% understand that nobody is attracted to me, so stop trying.


            tl:dr: just go for the one you want right away. Goddamn..


            [–]ocon60 441 points442 points  (14 children)

            sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

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            Your confidence is astounding.

          • The problem is, that in enough situations, it does work. I've seen it happen many times, and the people that either let it work because the other person is attractive, or are too drunk, horny, or whatever to care, ruin it for the rest of us!


            It takes very little positive reinforcement for people to get it into their head that continuing to act this way is a good idea!

            • [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (2 children)

              sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

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              How else am I supposed to break the ice?


              [–]Dargok 4 points5 points  (0 children)

              sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

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              Be a polar bear, apparently.


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          • (2 children)

            sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

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            Get a magic wand. If she's got an orgasm in her, it'll find it...


          • Sigh. No. Not all women can do this. Stop telling people that all women can do this. If you can, good for you.
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            I get way too sensitive after one or two and have to stop. All pussies are not created equal but they all have the right to pursue happiness or a happypenis.

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              Ah. The fantasy world called the "g spot orgasm". So cruel how some women can experience it and others can not.


              • I feel like it was less your cam activities and more your past relationship that skewed your perception of sexual relations. A bad relationship like that can very easily get your head in a twist in future sexual encounters, producing that game-stopping anxiety. Sounds like your camming was actually helpful in getting you to realize what you really want and in motivating you to be a more confident and fit individual.


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                Is it possible that vanilla sex no longer stimulates you, now that you've found out this exhibitionist side of your's? Perhaps the girl would be interested in trying to cam with you once? If she wears a mask that occludes her identity? That may be something worth talking to her about.

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