Ann Garvey's List: 8-19-12

• I’ll be back to reading and writing as soon as I feel a little better. I miss this and you…

• I realize that I have, inadvertently, chosen to hide parts of myself from the world because of how people have treated me.  I don't expect people to change – I mustn’t.  I have to exist differently to claim any experience other than what I have before.
• I am here again. Discouraged at the prospect of finishing the work I started.  I tell myself, repeatedly, that I can do this or I will come out on the other side of this swamp.  I have not been able to find answers lately.
• The latest question is, what is all the rave about therapy?  I
• If my logic confuses you, 

   

   then maybe it is because you think differently.
• I just don't know how to do therapy anymore.
•  I read a passage from a book today that spoke about the difference between having a cure and healing.  It isn't that a cure is the wrong thing but more that it fixes the manifestation of a problem; whereas healing addresses the source of the issues that manifest themselves in a variety of ways.
• What is it about someone/anyone, who has done you no harm, reminds you of a part of yourself that you are afraid to face?  What old skeletons in your closet are reanimated when we interact?
• What is the point of talking about something that has no right answer.
• We just have to be able to see, listen, explore, ask questions and be willing to be uncomfortable.  Some times that involves agreeing to disagree.  How else will we grow?

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• Our blog is about the good, the bad, and the ugly in our life as a publicly visible multiple system.

• When my consciousness is mostly young  child parts I sleep like a child. I thought I was being lazy because some nights I need 10 hours of sleep. I went on Web MD and children ages 3-5 do need 10-12 hours of sleep per day. On those days when little one are front and center or in the lead I also need to take a nap. I keep learning more and more about how my mind works. I’m so grateful my mind is set up dissociative. If not, as some of you know, I’d be in the grave or a mental institute, But some days it’s hard to accept who I am. Other days I’m in awe and very thankful.

• I will tell you something of myself, I may have already told you but not the reasons why. This will probably not go over well and may scare you in some way but I am going to tell you anyway, and I will not be holding anything back. I am willing to accept whatever happens
• In 2011 I tried, apparently unsuccessfully to kill myself. I was feeling of no worth, I was deeply depressed and so full of anger at myself and my lack of not being in control of me, my emotions, not being able to support my family. I was having constant flashbacks of horrible things not only from my recent past but from things that were done to me as a child.
• This was and will always be the single most vivid memory I have or will ever have. I was safe for once in my life.

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• I am SO sorry to all of you who have emailed recently.  My life has been completely mental over the past two weeks and things are slowly returning to semi-sane.  I will answer your emails over the next two days.  I’m hoping those who were struggling are feeling a bit better and hadn’t given up hope on hearing from a fellow survivor.  Again- so very sorry!  I’m tagging this post with the subjects of interest, hoping some of you will see the post and know your messages will be answered soon!  Best to all of you.

• My surgery is scheduled.  November 22nd.
• • It truly doesn’t seem far enough away.
   
  • They added on extra to what was initially planned, which has wrecked my psyche a bit.
   
  • I hate hate hate surgery.
   
  • And doctors
   
  • My surgeon is a guy. I am more uncomfortable with male doctors than anything.
• But I’m mostly just terrified.
• He also touched a bit on mental-health (I tried to be honest in the paper evaluation that touched on it) but was kind about coming back to it, since the hypertension is more pressing at the moment.  But I feel like he isn’t going to leap at me.  He was so very very sweet about my memory problems (he wanted to know a lot of details but I couldn’t recall them; especially hospital details, where I tend to disassociate the most).

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• 
  

   

   Yesterday was a lovely fall day, a crisp cool morning and a clear warm day. It was a beautiful day for a walk, so I took two. The first walk was one and a half hours long by myself, and the second one was a shorter one in the afternoon with a friend. They were both lovely.
• I would love to have a small studio/room to have a private writing space etc…then it occurred to me, I am getting ready for my next chapter, to start taking my writing seriously and be a serious writer.
• I get frustrated with being able to do something one day, and not being able to do it the next. As I have mentioned before, this tends to screw up for planning ahead. I can hope to do something, but that does not mean I will be able to carry it out.
• As I’m talking of this I realize that the “what am I going to do with my life?” really means, what am I going to do with my writing? Where am I going to go with it? What am I going to write? And what makes a successful writer? I guess the last question is the one I have been hung up on.
• And, like every time I recover a lost piece of myself, I am elated, and I want to get on with my life. And like every time, I need to process what has happened and its re wiring the brain, this also takes time and energy.
• Then I realized I am not going to go anywhere with my writing, it is going to take me and go where it is supposed to go! 

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• ear Mom;

   

  If you read my blog as the daughter YOU were, instead of as the mother you ARE, can you honestly tell me that you would not completely relate to what I am saying? If I wasn’t YOUR daughter, (if I was your next door neighbor), I know you would be a fan. 
• I have found so much freedom in realizing that I don’t have to explain or justify my decision to draw boundaries with my parents or with anyone else, to anyone. I don’t have to help people ‘understand it’. I don’t have to defend myself or prove myself.
• My mother always said a lot of things that indicated that I was the problem ~ her problem.
• I have discovered that people who have or have had loving parents actually do understand what I am talking about; it is the people still stuck in defending their own abusive /discounting parents that fight the hardest against what I am saying. It’s actually makes sense that it is that way too; People who KNOW what love really is don’t think my mother and her actions regarding me were very loving; they don’t think that the way she treated me had any foundation in her love for me. People who had parents who modeled real love, recognize the truth about what love is. And they don’t stand up for neglect, disrespectful actions, discounting actions, corporal punishment, emotional abuse, verbal abuse or any other type of communication from parents that is less than love.
• I remember the first time that I actually realized that my mother was abusive. I had been at a seminar about the misuse of power and control in relationships and I was exhausted from all the information that I was trying to comprehend.

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• This week I had a few moments that I had thoughts that I haven’t had in years. I thought about self-harm more than ever- I have been having so much anxiety.

• Time passes and life just goes. Good things are happening. I’m slowly but surely loving the life I’m living right now.

   

  In less than 5 months I will be done with my undergraduate degree. It has taken me almost 8 years to complete. There was a time when I didn’t think I would be this close to completing my degree.

   

  To say that I’m happy would be an understatement. It’s more than a piece of paper to me, it’s a symbol that I’m a functional person. I no longer define myself as a mental patient because school have allowed me to develop a new identity- no pun intended :)
• At times, it feels unbearable, paralyzingly. It feels as though there is no more oxygen to be had, everything is going in slow motion.
• remember the last time I self harmed. It was almost five years ago. I can’t figure out why I’m willing to give up five years to feel good for about five seconds.
• That difficult time changed me. There were few constants within my life and staying connected with someone from that time allows me to realize the change because they are seeing it. I’m in my body everyday so change is sometimes hard to see. I’m just thankful that this person still exists in my life. I remember when I used to have terrible flashbacks and body memories, this person used to talk to me to help me and I remembered her voice. So hearing her voice again actually brought tears to my eyes.

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• Last week she said do you have pics of the house of horror and we said no and she said what about google earth. 
• we felt our heart fall into our chest and we realised there was something we could show her, it was important.
• Now in saying that i dont mean we shouldnt be on our guard but its a different sort of guard. 
• In saying that maybe thats what it is about, taking the scary away.

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• “The place I grew up was a grey unfeeling nothing. Then one day I heard your voice [singing] and I knew for the first time that there was beauty in the world.”

   

  ~ Endeavor Morse, Endeavor, S1E1 Pilot
• “People give flowers as presents because flowers contain the true meaning of love. Anyone tries to possess a flower will have to watch its beauty fading. But if you simply look at a flower on a field, you will keep it forever, because the flower is part of the evening and the sunset and the smell of damp earth and the clouds on the horizon.”

   

   

   

  ~ Paulo Coelho, Brida+
• When I was nineteen I saved three people’s lives.

• If I had not been there and not been awake, they could easily have all died from poisoning. If I had been sleeping I might have ended up dead. Their drunken behavior could have killed me.

   

  The next day they acted like nothing had happened, even after I told them explicitly what would have happened if I had not been awake to turn off the fixture. None of them apologized for endangering my life.
• I saved their lives. None of them told me thank you. Their ungratefulness was horrific. They even refused to acknowledge that it happened.

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• I so wish I could update by telling you all that I’m suddenly kicking ass at everything and a fearless warrior princess but alas, once again I must disappoint you with my human weakness. I haven’t wanted to write because I haven’t known how I feel — it takes me a very long time to figure out my own emotions whereas it comes very naturally for me to figure out what other people are feeling.
• I feel like I’m playing catch-up a little bit. I am excellent at procrastination and it always leaves me with a lot of ground to cover in a — hopefully– succinct and interesting manner.

• Me: I am learning I have anger to work through. I am going to focus on healing it awhile. It isn’t fair for either of us for me to bring that to the table.

   

  Dad: I understand. We seem to trigger each other. Take care of yourself. Love dad.
• I have subconsciously been trying to shut down all my emotions about her, and about her leaving me, and I’ve been numb and even lashed out at her with judgmental words that effectively represent me saying, “Go away, I don’t want to feel hurt.” But as much as I try, I can’t block out everything.
• I was sick of her living here. But my attempts to isolate myself completely sort of backfire in that they leave me, well, isolated.
• Other triggery anniversaries are approaching so I don’t know how to figure out exactly which instances are to blame for which percentage of hopelessness. But I know it will lift, I just have to keep going.

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• In our hearts we found our desire,
• The Eggshell People live in an Eggshell World
   with an eggshell mind in an eggshell house.
• In our mind’s eye we defined our goals,
• We perceive what is around us,
   knowing accurate perception is rare.
• Friends come, friends go,
   summer’s warm, winter’s cold.
   In your heart where the winter’s warm
   fires are burning hot
• Protecting their culture from reality
   in order to build a reality around them.

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• Just over a week ago I decided once again to try and challenge my fear of TV and settled down to watch Curious George- a cartoon about a monkey, I love monkeys.
• She did what she had to do to survive but she added several flourishes that turned her into one of the most fascinating, beautiful individuals I have ever had the honour to share a mind/life/body with.
• We decided this week to stop seeing the Fantastic CPN, at least for the time being, she’s a wonderful woman but ‘help’ from those who don’t know our system and who won’t, can’t or won’t allow themselves to ‘get’ DID is unhelpful, unsafe. We’ve been damaged enough.
• I feel depressed today that something so fundamental still evades me and I feel hard done by that DID feels the need to constantly remind you of its pervasiveness and sneak into every corner of your life.

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• I’ve been trying to keep politics off my blog. I guess I’m afraid I’d lose readers, people wouldn’t like me anymore, they’d say mean things, and I’d be all alone again.
• But no one talks about politicians’ stances on mental health care. We like to pretend there’s no longer stigma attached, but anything that can’t be discussed openly is still stigmatized. And when there is public conversation about mental illness, its causes and solutions get way oversimplified. We need to have a real, in-depth public conversation about it.
• My worry with politicians who have very little knowledge of mental health issues–and even many who are knowledgeable–is the tendency toward forcible and/or coercive treatment.

• I wanted to punch him. Repeatedly.

   

  But I think my reaction comes, in a large part, from growing up in a very conservative family where both financial success and happiness were thought of as something you could achieve if you just follow the formula and work hard enough. If you didn’t succeed, if you weren’t happy–it was your own fault. Obviously you just weren’t working hard enough.
• That’s the insidious thing about indoctrination: if you tell a kid the same thing over and over for years, she’ll believe it. She may grow up and realize the logic is faulty, realize she would never judge anyone else so harshly. But she’ll never be able to stop judging herself. She’ll still feel like a failure at both independence and happiness.

• I had an interview today for an internship doing legal research and trial prep for a defense attorney. It’s unpaid, but it’s the kind of thing that will look good on my resume and applications for undergrad and law school.

   

  The interview went really well, and he offered me the job on the spot. He asked me to come observe/take notes on a discovery motion tomorrow.

• Yes, I am one of those people “who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing.” Hell yes, I believe everyone is entitled to those things! Tell me, Mr. Romney, do you believe that because I’m poor, I should’ve been denied life saving brain surgery? Because I’m poor, should I have to live in my car and eat out of dumpsters? I’ve done that, but I’d be willing to bet the little money I have that you haven’t lived that.

   

  I wonder, Mittens, when the last time you read our Constitution was. I recall this bit where it says our government was established “to promote the general welfare.” Generalmeans everyone, Mittens, not just the rich elite. If you’re instituting policies that would deprive people of basic needs, you’re not promoting the general welfare.
• I feel like I frustrate people because I can’t break these rules. I know I should be able to take up my therapist on her offer of twice a week sessions, call people on my treatment team when I’m in crisis, or tell my therapist she upset me. I know good and well that these are not socially unacceptable things, and I know it would be for my own benefit. But when people tell me it’s okay, I shoot them down because I know I can’t break my own rules.

• And I’m upset about what happened with NT, even though I know it’s a dumb thing to be upset about, especially a week after the fact. She did call me on wednesday and asked why she hadn’t seen me in a while. I said I dunno and didn’t say I’d shown up and she hadn’t. But unbeknownst to me, my team leader called her later that day and did tell her. Apparently she didn’t think to tell me she would be away and reschedule the usual appointment. I’m seeing her again on Monday.

   

  The feelings–anger, sadness, guilt, betrayal, mistrust–are flying every which way, too fast for me to deal with them. There’s a strong urge to just not show up–whether it’s to protect myself from being hurt again or to show her how it feels to be stood up, I don’t know.

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• For the first time in years I am seriously considering writing the sequel to my book Becoming One! So much has happened in my inner world since it was published in 1997. I have much more to say about dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, and the therapy process. I’ve evolved in many ways. Book Two has waited patiently for me to reach a point where I feel I can do it justice.
• I’m excited about having so many new writing project ideas! It’s sooo overdue. Once the mental health resources are presentable, I’ll be back to let you know what I plan to do with them. It’s a new journey, and I’m hoping you’ll come along with me!

• But you know what my overriding feelings are about all of this now that it’s done? I feel hopeful for the first time in eight years. Hopeful that I will no longer be imprisoned by my body, and that I will be able to leave my house for things that are purely fun. Hopeful that I am on my way to good health, including resolution of diabetes. Hopeful that my life is beginning again, right here, right now.

   

  What seemed impossible and pointless to even fantasize about for eight years now seems very possible. I’m excited about my future! It’s precious, and I am nurturing it with all I’ve got.

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• I’ve had a lovely vacation so far. Away from my phone, the internet, all of it. Just enjoying the company of family.

   

  Until I spoke with my parents.
• I could feel myself growing angrier by the second. I finally and exasperatingly said, “Can you tell me what the harm is in her getting a second opinion?
• They were both being just so incredibly negative and pessimistic and unable to understand why I was doing what I am doing.

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• 5000 word limit
   Winner gets fan art of their story, $5 and a certificate!
   Two runners up get fan art.
   Any genre
   
   Go go go.

• A month or so ago (?), I said to myself/my brain, “Look, I want to remember.  I want to process this stuff and move on with my life.”  I asked whatever part of me is blocking to step aside.

   

  I have already written about this, but I expected something like movie reel memories.  I knew they would be difficult, but I guess I thought it would be sort of like watching them on a screen.  There would be feelings involved, of course (ew, yuck, not FEEEEEEEEELINGS), and they would be painful, but hey, at least I’d know what was going on.  I’d have my neat, tidy memories and I’d figure out how to unwrap them, process them, and then let them go.

   

  Oh, how naive!  
• I am physically miserable all night long, and it’s a combination of anxiety and things that I can connect to abuse, even if I can’t connect them to specific memories.  It is awful.
• What’s funny is that the moment it becomes the tiniest bit light outside, I conk out with no problem.  It’s like a switch gets flipped.  Of course, during the school year, this is when I would need to be getting up!
• The message is that my body experienced extremely unpleasant things.  That dread and shame and fear and anxiety and disgust and deep sadness are all pieces of my experience.  I say to myself in the night, “This is intolerable.  I cannot live another minute of this.”  That is me, as an adult, trying to process these feelings from childhood, tapping into them just enough to see that they are overwhelming.  And then I get it.  I understand the dissociation and the compartmentalizing and the amnesia and all of it.

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