Ann Garvey's List: 8-23-12

• i struggle before sunrise  to be ready for the day.

• Today I am fragmented. I am split. I am compartmentalized. Some of my parts are acting on their own.
• Normally this would be cause for alarm. Not today. My internal system has delegated things to different parts. Everything is covered.
• I think things are going well. With the processing and letting things out. At least so far.

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• I am going to take the next week off of blogging to wrap up the summer.

• Sometimes we have "episodes"...that's what we call blank spaces is what has currently/recently transpired.
   
   Last night we had one. It's been awhile.
• Thank goodness midterms mean we're half done with classes. That class, anyway. Science gurus, we are not. Not one single one of us.
   I'm too old for most of this shit. Mid-December can't come soon enough.
• Just let us write, forever, let us write, and paint, and be...well paid, so we can cook nice foods, and drink good alcohol, buy paints and canvas...and that's all we really want.
   And to die, someday, to go silently in the night.

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• In our hearts we found our desire,
• The Eggshell People live in an Eggshell World
   with an eggshell mind in an eggshell house.
• In our mind’s eye we defined our goals,
• We perceive what is around us,
   knowing accurate perception is rare.
• Friends come, friends go,
   summer’s warm, winter’s cold.
   In your heart where the winter’s warm
   fires are burning hot
• Protecting their culture from reality
   in order to build a reality around them.

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• My husband called my brother in-law to find out what everyone is doing for the 4th of July. Apparently, they will all be at the home of one of my remaining brothers, the one I feel the closest to. But we have not been invited. I know why. I am, and in most respects always will be, just a little bit too different to be safe company for those who cannot shake off the fog of denial that cloaks the reality of our childhood and its unfortunate results. I'm trying to take this rejection as a positive. Not everything can be so black and white, but I can still bottom-line the thing and it goes like this -- the way I see things protects my own children and so I will not change it. Not for anything. I love them more than I love anyone else. For me, the 4th will truly be about independence. And that's okay.

• “The place I grew up was a grey unfeeling nothing. Then one day I heard your voice [singing] and I knew for the first time that there was beauty in the world.”

   

  ~ Endeavor Morse, Endeavor, S1E1 Pilot
• “People give flowers as presents because flowers contain the true meaning of love. Anyone tries to possess a flower will have to watch its beauty fading. But if you simply look at a flower on a field, you will keep it forever, because the flower is part of the evening and the sunset and the smell of damp earth and the clouds on the horizon.”

   

   

   

  ~ Paulo Coelho, Brida+
• When I was nineteen I saved three people’s lives.

• If I had not been there and not been awake, they could easily have all died from poisoning. If I had been sleeping I might have ended up dead. Their drunken behavior could have killed me.

   

  The next day they acted like nothing had happened, even after I told them explicitly what would have happened if I had not been awake to turn off the fixture. None of them apologized for endangering my life.
• I saved their lives. None of them told me thank you. Their ungratefulness was horrific. They even refused to acknowledge that it happened.

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• I don’t think this person I call Robert is still a friend of mine.  I am not sure he ever was.  I know he no longer wants to be my friend.  According to Robert’s final email announcement, I am “too much work.”  I could not, or did not, resist my urge to reply to his note with “Funny.  That’s the same thing I could say about you.”  I had written the night before when the proverbial caca hit the fan that I now know that the two of us are not compatible.
• The term “attachment village” recently crossed my mental desk through the work of Dr. Gordon Neufeld who is a life-spectrum attachment specialist.  He was speaking at the moment that term appeared about shrinking families and the “orphaned elders” that are just one of the sad consequences of the changes in modern families of our culture.  I realized as I heard that term that is what life is about for we members of a social species:  We MUST HAVE an attachment village to be healthy and happy.
• I insisted on being respected and NOT disrespected.  No, I did not give this man permission to criticize me, something he evidently desperately NEEDED to do.  I don’t give ANYONE permission to disrespect me that way.  There are adult reasonable ways to talk about how we feel when someone does this or that, etc.  But outright bad-mouthing harsh criticism is out of the question for anyone I will keep in my life.

• But there are certainly times for me when compromise and negotiation are so completely absent in relationships that there is no REPAIR possible — because the truth is there has been nothing but RUPTURE all along.  Such is the contamination of the present with the trauma of the past.  Trauma drama is not allowed to be a part of my life and being anyone’s “bad mother” projection is trauma drama in action.

   

  I want a HEALTHY and HAPPY attachment village, not one that is made up of people  who are as unhealthy as the anti-attachment family I was raised within.

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• This week I had a few moments that I had thoughts that I haven’t had in years. I thought about self-harm more than ever- I have been having so much anxiety.

• Time passes and life just goes. Good things are happening. I’m slowly but surely loving the life I’m living right now.

   

  In less than 5 months I will be done with my undergraduate degree. It has taken me almost 8 years to complete. There was a time when I didn’t think I would be this close to completing my degree.

   

  To say that I’m happy would be an understatement. It’s more than a piece of paper to me, it’s a symbol that I’m a functional person. I no longer define myself as a mental patient because school have allowed me to develop a new identity- no pun intended :)
• At times, it feels unbearable, paralyzingly. It feels as though there is no more oxygen to be had, everything is going in slow motion.
• remember the last time I self harmed. It was almost five years ago. I can’t figure out why I’m willing to give up five years to feel good for about five seconds.
• That difficult time changed me. There were few constants within my life and staying connected with someone from that time allows me to realize the change because they are seeing it. I’m in my body everyday so change is sometimes hard to see. I’m just thankful that this person still exists in my life. I remember when I used to have terrible flashbacks and body memories, this person used to talk to me to help me and I remembered her voice. So hearing her voice again actually brought tears to my eyes.

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• When we came home from the hospital we could have gone for a kayak paddle. We did not as we could not know if that was best. There are many more out now and they have changed and are changing. They have been out over the last years we have always been so beat up that they could not be really. They are the ones that we had to fight them going away from the other and that is kinda still true. Difference is we can get back to the others at will. Meaning if we work really hard to create a situation where they can be than they can be. Disruptive in the now does not cover it.
• One thing that does not work for me is the I am special because I am multiple or traumatized. I see that all the time and it sometimes get put on me.
• So we messed up three weeks ago and went to Maine. Pretty much we overrode the reptilian brains with our cognitive brains. In part this happened as we went to maine with some people. We kinda went with society’s understanding that going to the ocean for a paddle must be wonderful for everyone at all times or something is wrong with them.
• he end result was learning how not to sleep. For us this manifested itself in one of us was always awake. Think a water bird whose brain sleeps on side at a time. There are many reasons for this and one of them is the time in the sensory deprivation tanks. We learned to stay awake in the tank so that we did not have to be touched when they let us out.
• We really started to figure out that we were on a different level than the rest of our family and they knew it. It did upset us and our solution was to push physically very hard. We just did our chores all day and went very very fast.
• t is not really that one of us is always tired it is more when we are tired we are them. That is kinda the way it is with multiplicity. As there is no connection with time between us then they never rest. It is on some level shutting different parts of us down. There is no protection from horrors in our life. That would be nice it is just not reality.

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• Before I do my great big blog read, I wanted to share some sailor girls I painted……..

• I have briefly touched on earlier posts that before you can even begin working on the “meat and potatoes” of Containment, it is important for your System to work out any negative reactions you have to Containment. 
• In the end I had a glimpse of clarity and felt more in control of my life.
• Containment allows you, in a nutshell, to consciously postpone dealing with the overwhelming portion of your emotion/memory/image/etc.  You stay with what you can stand and then postpone the rest.
• By containing the bigger portion of the difficult emotion/memory/image, you can better deal with the present. 

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• My mind has been racing with images, information and questions surrounding my teen years.  Still trying to answer the question of my involvement at that time.   Ever since my defector appeared to me at my high school in my senior year, I cannot lay the suspicions down.   I have asked all parts to help confirm or deny this and what I have been receiving is a dream life full of junior high and high school images. 
• My son and daughter just finished a unit in their high school that discussed abuse and violence warning signs and what to do if you or someone else are a victim.  Additionally, there are specific laws for “professionals” to report suspected abuse.  If they suspect and do not report, they can be prosecuted on “neglect” charges.   I looked at a large list of “warning signs” for “professionals” and was aghast over just how many of these signs I displayed during these years, to several specific people. 
• Ever since I can remember, the minute I got the impression that an adult was a caring person (usually noticed them being caring to another child) I would insert myself into their world so they would have to care about me.  Once “care” was established, then all of these above named behaviors would push through.   Insiders crying for help in every way possible except for the taboo, actually speaking the need. 
• What is clear is that I was continually disturbed, dissociated, and desperate for help through all my teen years’ schooling.  What is unclear is if those feelings were coming from parts who were still stuck in past terrors feeling “safe” enough to cry for help OR if those feelings were present day fears that I literally had no idea of.
• Nothing else accounts for their looking the other way.  If it were just one person, that’d be one thing, but there were several.
• Of course, it was also my father who didn’t want me dressing like a hooker, hanging around with the kids who were known to use drugs, or get into any other “trouble” that would put a magnifying glass on my family.   Not out of love, mind you, but out of a need to keep everything hidden.

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• I am queen of avoidance..if I can avoid something I will ..
• And that's where the alters come in..
   They each in their own way took the pain for me..
   they protected me and allowed me to survive.....
• There is so much more work to be done..
   and I know I will have to revisit this over and over again....
   and I will have to see and feel each alters pain as my own...

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• One of the most helpful things to me in the last month has been scheduling my days the previous night. It motivates me to get out of bed, to do my workouts and to make sure I get done the things that actually need doing (even things as simple as showers and meals)
• I went to my primary care physician this afternoon to discuss my adventures in weight loss. Just so you don’t hold your breath, she said nothing that was surprising. So, what DID she say?
• I’ve been texting my schedules daily to Therapist, and that helps me remain accountable for doing the things I said I was gonna do.
• So overall, the message was: continue being patient; I’m doing everything right; and once beyond the initial phase of body readjustment to new lifestyle, I will start to see the weight come off and it should go a heck of a lot faster than it has been for the last 6 weeks.

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• A month or so ago (?), I said to myself/my brain, “Look, I want to remember.  I want to process this stuff and move on with my life.”  I asked whatever part of me is blocking to step aside.

   

  I have already written about this, but I expected something like movie reel memories.  I knew they would be difficult, but I guess I thought it would be sort of like watching them on a screen.  There would be feelings involved, of course (ew, yuck, not FEEEEEEEEELINGS), and they would be painful, but hey, at least I’d know what was going on.  I’d have my neat, tidy memories and I’d figure out how to unwrap them, process them, and then let them go.

   

  Oh, how naive!  
• I am physically miserable all night long, and it’s a combination of anxiety and things that I can connect to abuse, even if I can’t connect them to specific memories.  It is awful.
• What’s funny is that the moment it becomes the tiniest bit light outside, I conk out with no problem.  It’s like a switch gets flipped.  Of course, during the school year, this is when I would need to be getting up!
• The message is that my body experienced extremely unpleasant things.  That dread and shame and fear and anxiety and disgust and deep sadness are all pieces of my experience.  I say to myself in the night, “This is intolerable.  I cannot live another minute of this.”  That is me, as an adult, trying to process these feelings from childhood, tapping into them just enough to see that they are overwhelming.  And then I get it.  I understand the dissociation and the compartmentalizing and the amnesia and all of it.

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• As I’m sitting here thinking of my day , I’m wondering if I need to apply something my therapist said. She tells me to check my reactions to see if they fit the present circumstances.
• I find myself in the position of being unable to help myself. It’s strange because usually I would struggle against the idea of being helpless and yet I can’t find the spirit to struggle against this.
• I’ve been anxious about a TON of stuff today and it just occurred to me that maybe I’m experiencing anxiety about something else and it’s causing me to feel way more freaked out about stuff than I normally would be.
• I haven’t been mentally right all day and a few seconds ago I was hit with a sudden, deep sadness that put me on the verge of tears. I’m slightly overwhemed and don’t know why I’m being hit with this now. I’m trying to breath…trying to either not cry…or just give in, but they won’t come either way. Just that teary tightness and anxiety.

• What I just love is the time her husband said he was worried that her past would cause her pain in their intimate life and she says that it would never happen because all she see is him blah, blah, blah. Really?

   

  Ms. Robb/Roberts takes lots of time to detail the various rapes that happened to Eve as a small child. And you’re telling me that would have NO bearing on her sex life and intimacy now? Really?
• But I’m almost obsessed with this image I have of myself turning into bones and it’s not to be seen by anyone. I don’t want anyone to see me or ask questions about me or anything like that. It’s almost for…myself? Maybe I want to look the way I feel inside? That is of course, when I feel anything at all, which is less and less these days. I told my therapist that I don’t really feel emotions unless I have/ or are going to therapy that day. Then it seems that for a little while afterwards, my emotions get turned on. At least the sad, depressing ones.
• Oh wait I see…it wouldn’t be very romantic if Eve had flashbacks during sex and had to stop would it? It wouldn’t be romantic if her husband wanted sex and she couldn’t do it at that moment because she had just remembered her father raping her would it?
• I can’t properly explain to you or describe what happened because words aren’t enough. In the dream I started screaming…but the sound was like an animal screaming with a human voice. I screamed louder and louder and louder until I literally woke myself up. I jolted like it was a nightmare. Maybe it was. But the way I woke shook me even more. I was already crying when I woke up. This is the second time in my life this has happened, the first being maybe a year or two ago and it was also about my grandmother.
• But I guess that I didn’t really allow myself to feel everything back then. How could I? I was surrounded by people who crowded my house. And I had to put up with my mother’s presence which was not remotely comforting.

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• Good morning.  This is just us.  We've been up for about four hours.  We've been moving around our general resources of people and answering correspondence.  This seems to be taking more time now than it had before, but communicating with people was what it was all about, so have to think we're doing the right thing there.
• I say that especially, because we are having such a good life.  We're still figuring out how to handle our system, to be helpful to others in the Multiple community, and to work with them on making it a nicer place for yet, others.  PLUS, we enjoy the sewing, particularly the volunteer work.  Maybe it is contradictory working on volunteer instead of helping Rich make money.  That thought comes up periodically.  I feel strongly though that I'm on disability for a purpose.  What Dr. Marvin and I've worked on is making our life more livable so we're not at the point of wanting to commit suicide all the time.  I'm not saying it doesn't come up, but again as mentioned before we don't want to live in that kind of space by being forced to do what's good for others, but not good for us.
• Ahh, I know one conversation we're now remembering.  Casey was out and complaining about Annemarie.  Casey was explaining that she was the one trying to wait very patiently for Rich's pie to be out, but then when the apple pie was finally done, Annemarie ate the pie and didn't share.  No amount of stomach counting was going to convince Casey it was LIKE eating, because it wasn't to her.  Holding up the fork was a tease, but then it went to Annemarie and not her.  Annemarie was out for a snarly moment, scared Casey and then disappeared.  I don't know who had it after that.  Someone who understood the story at least.

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• I will tell you something of myself, I may have already told you but not the reasons why. This will probably not go over well and may scare you in some way but I am going to tell you anyway, and I will not be holding anything back. I am willing to accept whatever happens
• In 2011 I tried, apparently unsuccessfully to kill myself. I was feeling of no worth, I was deeply depressed and so full of anger at myself and my lack of not being in control of me, my emotions, not being able to support my family. I was having constant flashbacks of horrible things not only from my recent past but from things that were done to me as a child.
• This was and will always be the single most vivid memory I have or will ever have. I was safe for once in my life.

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• Avalon’s attitude towards my parents is basically that of a 16 year old who is kind to the incomprehensible elders but has no personal relationship and who occasionally does break out into a burst of, well, 16. She likes to say outrageous things, like in this case, when my parents launched into an anecdote about my brother-in-law’s knowledge of My Little Pony (due to having a daughter), Avalon shared extensive information about bronies.
• This is so far from our usual mode of interaction that it produces confusion, and my parents deal with confusion most often with a kind of retreat into politeness.
• Mostly what I remember is doing my homework while waiting for the Bronze Cross or NLS or pop organ lesson to start, or on the subway, or while babysitting. Talking on the phone until all hours with Kathryn H., or Marjorie (must call her…) or hanging out with the gang at lunch. We were basically on the run from our lives all the time, never without a book, and confused. But we definitely never discussed bronies.

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