Ann Garvey's List: *8-2-13

• Shaniya Davis was a 5 year old child that died a few years ago. Her mother sold her to a man for drugs. The man took her to a hotel in a nearby city, raped and murdered her. Then he dumped her body on the side of the road like an animal. 

  Although her murder was senseless, it was not in vain. It has stopped at least one child that would have been abused by this man! 
• How can we stop child abuse, child prostitution, and human trafficking? 

  SPEAK UP!

  SPEAK OUT!

  DON'T STAY SILENT!

  If you know of any abuse, don't let it go unreported. YOU may be a child's only voice! Their only way out of the hell they are living! 

  No one spoke up for me. Everyone swept it under a rug. No one reported anything. Don't allow it to happen to someone else!

  Be a child's voice!

  Be a child's advocate!

  Don't let another child be abused because YOU are scared or YOU don't want to get involved!

  Imagine the child's fear he/she lives with EVERYDAY!

  You may be a child's only hope!

• Understanding the Incomprehensible

   

   Children of incest or long-term sexual abuse grow up to be wounded adults with complicated emotional issues. Unfortunately, some symptoms are misinterpreted or often dismissed as "crazy", only serving to maintain a tormented victim status. We, as a society, have the power to change this dynamic. Each of us can make a difference.
• I do want to share that Raven (who knew all of the horror of my subconscious world and who had healed and existed with me) told me I could never fully heal as long as she were a part of me. It’s how my system had been built. After completely bringing down the system and healing all parts, full integration was not possible. Raven had found a way to bypass the way I had been “engineered”. She chose to take the form of a raven bird but wanted to leave my being at the “ancient canyon”. She said she would take all the darkness and “toxic waste” of my past with her but separate from that baggage so she would be free too. We would continue to be connected in an astral way. We are all stardust…along those lines.
• How I experienced the release of the darkness and feeling her leave me were wonderful and emotional. It felt like freedom. I referred to that trip as my vision quest and believe that’s exactly what it was. I came home fully integrated and had what I call a shift in consciousness because that huge anxiety that followed me around like a cloud was gone. Not that I’m carefree…I’m reasonably cautious in my world as any person needs to be.
• I was fascinated after my initial brain mapping session to see that my brain wave patterns were far from normal. Most were double where they should be and those that had one normal number had an abnormal secondary number. It explained my inability to focus. Surprisingly, as thorough as I am about relaxing every day, the map showed I was above where “normal calm” is for most people. We will focus on that first.
   Neurofeedback does for the brain what chiropractic does for the spine. It trains the mind to remain within a specific range by itself. It takes time to start to stay there on its own. I’m excited about it.
• This will likely be my last entry for this blog but hope it stands to provide important information for others who realize they have DID and to provide hope for completely healing or at least have a fairly calm life at some point. Perhaps occasionally some important and relevant information will surface that I will post here.

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• Have you ever tried to make a movie?
   
   This afternoon I decided to find out what a limited-tech-savvy woman in her fifties could do on her own with only a phone and a laptop. Obviously, I am not a professional videographer! I am also not a professional musician - but the music in the background is my own - a song I'm still working on. I recorded myself playing it (not perfectly - but you get the idea) just by putting my laptop next to the piano. So - simply made, but all mine! It's three minutes long - the song - which I've entitled Ragdoll's Dance - plays through twice.
   
   Here's the link:  Fall in Illinois

• Avalon’s attitude towards my parents is basically that of a 16 year old who is kind to the incomprehensible elders but has no personal relationship and who occasionally does break out into a burst of, well, 16. She likes to say outrageous things, like in this case, when my parents launched into an anecdote about my brother-in-law’s knowledge of My Little Pony (due to having a daughter), Avalon shared extensive information about bronies.
• This is so far from our usual mode of interaction that it produces confusion, and my parents deal with confusion most often with a kind of retreat into politeness.
• Mostly what I remember is doing my homework while waiting for the Bronze Cross or NLS or pop organ lesson to start, or on the subway, or while babysitting. Talking on the phone until all hours with Kathryn H., or Marjorie (must call her…) or hanging out with the gang at lunch. We were basically on the run from our lives all the time, never without a book, and confused. But we definitely never discussed bronies.

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• This week I had a few moments that I had thoughts that I haven’t had in years. I thought about self-harm more than ever- I have been having so much anxiety.

• Time passes and life just goes. Good things are happening. I’m slowly but surely loving the life I’m living right now.

   

  In less than 5 months I will be done with my undergraduate degree. It has taken me almost 8 years to complete. There was a time when I didn’t think I would be this close to completing my degree.

   

  To say that I’m happy would be an understatement. It’s more than a piece of paper to me, it’s a symbol that I’m a functional person. I no longer define myself as a mental patient because school have allowed me to develop a new identity- no pun intended :)
• At times, it feels unbearable, paralyzingly. It feels as though there is no more oxygen to be had, everything is going in slow motion.
• remember the last time I self harmed. It was almost five years ago. I can’t figure out why I’m willing to give up five years to feel good for about five seconds.
• That difficult time changed me. There were few constants within my life and staying connected with someone from that time allows me to realize the change because they are seeing it. I’m in my body everyday so change is sometimes hard to see. I’m just thankful that this person still exists in my life. I remember when I used to have terrible flashbacks and body memories, this person used to talk to me to help me and I remembered her voice. So hearing her voice again actually brought tears to my eyes.

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• I am SO sorry to all of you who have emailed recently.  My life has been completely mental over the past two weeks and things are slowly returning to semi-sane.  I will answer your emails over the next two days.  I’m hoping those who were struggling are feeling a bit better and hadn’t given up hope on hearing from a fellow survivor.  Again- so very sorry!  I’m tagging this post with the subjects of interest, hoping some of you will see the post and know your messages will be answered soon!  Best to all of you.

• I was recently nominated (twice) for something called the Liebster Award. No, not lobster. Liebster. The award-nominating blog-o-sphere claims liebster is a German word meaning favorite, most beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant and valued.
• Upon doing a bit of online detecting, I learned that this award was, perhaps, created to encourage blogging and new bloggers. It seems no one really knows the award’s origins, which is kind of fun. It’s part recognition and part blog challenge. As far as anyone can tell, the nomination is itself the award – you simply copy and post the Liebster Award image.

• As part of accepting this nomination/award, I’m simply asked to answer eleven questions posted by the nominator on his/her blog (and provide links back to their blogs, which I did… you just read that bit), nominate eleven worthy blogs with fewer than 200 followers and inform them of their nomination, and write eleven questions for your nominees to answer.

   

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• My husband called my brother in-law to find out what everyone is doing for the 4th of July. Apparently, they will all be at the home of one of my remaining brothers, the one I feel the closest to. But we have not been invited. I know why. I am, and in most respects always will be, just a little bit too different to be safe company for those who cannot shake off the fog of denial that cloaks the reality of our childhood and its unfortunate results. I'm trying to take this rejection as a positive. Not everything can be so black and white, but I can still bottom-line the thing and it goes like this -- the way I see things protects my own children and so I will not change it. Not for anything. I love them more than I love anyone else. For me, the 4th will truly be about independence. And that's okay.

• for those of you just joining me on this site..I have DID. years ago I had the pleasure of working with one of the most amazing therapists. she knew nothing about DID but the two of us ended up cramming over 10 years of therapy on DID into the 2-3 years I was with her. we had no time to waste on bullshit so we went straight to doing research at the local library and communicating with all kinds of professionals that worked with DID. We developed a treatment plan specifically taylored to DID.
• In the process of my research and trying to help myself I joined many mental health forums. I would go into detail about what my therapist and I were discovering /my problems/and how we were solving my dissociative Identity Disorder problems.
  
  Suddenly I start getting pms from people telling me to shut up, if I was smart I would start posting the same kinds of stuff that others were posting about DID. you know that obnoxious stuff you find in the movies and books but is not true, and to stop saying alters have their own emotions, their own behaviors, their own thoughts, their own heart rate, their own breathing rate, everything like that.
• nstead of proving me wrong the DSM 5 goes into such detail about DID that it clearly proves what I have been saying for years and what professionals in the field of DID that I have had contact with over the years have been very turthful about DID, alters and how to best help me.
  

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• Sick of being used, being a doormat, a pleaser, having people leech on you at the expense of developing their own resources, skills or coming to terms with their own lives? Sick of people disabling themselves progressively to further and further own and control you, monopolize your attention and vampire your life? You can give them a copy of this 101 article on co-dependency and tell them you have woken up, are on the case, no life is shot and you don’t care about approval or popularity and that you are not doing this stuff with anyone anymore. Then thank them for their understanding and leave and go get on with your commitment to getting a life.

• I have been so busy with my new job. Adjusting to working full time after being a stay at home mom for the last 6 years has been a struggle. My biggest struggle at the moment is my exhaustion and nightmares
• have been trying to avoid going to sleep due to the fear I feel. During the day I am busy and distracted so there is very little time to think and process.
• I can’t see a light at the end of this long drawn out tunnel.
• Everyone tells me that the past is over and I need to think happy thoughts and try to move on. But I wake at night dreaming of the things my father did to me. I go days where I can’t convince myself he’s not coming back for me. I spend weeks jumping at every sound thinking its the cops coming to tell me he hurt more of my family. And I spend every day of my life doing, saying and thinking things that are just like him. I am sick. I am incapable of love. I don’t know how to love someone, not even myself. I don’t love my family. I don’t love my friends. Because my father twisted my idea of love up so much that I have zero grasp of what love really is. I’m broken and I have tried so hard. SO FUCKING HARD to fix myself. I tried everything I could to fix all the shit that is broken and twisted in me. But somethings can’t be fixed. Some things can’t be undone. And so I continue to pretend to be holding myself together, even though I fall apart more and more every day.
• I am lonely. Surrounded by so many who love me. I am alone. I am angry. I am bitter. I am tired. I am sad. I love, as best as I can. But I don’t think I’m capable of actually loving anyone, including myself. I am self absorbed. I am mean. I am rude. I am a liar. I am a cheater. I am a bad wife. I am a bad mother. I am fat. I am lazy. I am depressed. I am not worthy of anyones love. I am not worthy of life. I am a waste. I am a failure. I am broken. I am damaged. I am useless. I am worthless.

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• I don’t think this person I call Robert is still a friend of mine.  I am not sure he ever was.  I know he no longer wants to be my friend.  According to Robert’s final email announcement, I am “too much work.”  I could not, or did not, resist my urge to reply to his note with “Funny.  That’s the same thing I could say about you.”  I had written the night before when the proverbial caca hit the fan that I now know that the two of us are not compatible.
• The term “attachment village” recently crossed my mental desk through the work of Dr. Gordon Neufeld who is a life-spectrum attachment specialist.  He was speaking at the moment that term appeared about shrinking families and the “orphaned elders” that are just one of the sad consequences of the changes in modern families of our culture.  I realized as I heard that term that is what life is about for we members of a social species:  We MUST HAVE an attachment village to be healthy and happy.
• I insisted on being respected and NOT disrespected.  No, I did not give this man permission to criticize me, something he evidently desperately NEEDED to do.  I don’t give ANYONE permission to disrespect me that way.  There are adult reasonable ways to talk about how we feel when someone does this or that, etc.  But outright bad-mouthing harsh criticism is out of the question for anyone I will keep in my life.

• But there are certainly times for me when compromise and negotiation are so completely absent in relationships that there is no REPAIR possible — because the truth is there has been nothing but RUPTURE all along.  Such is the contamination of the present with the trauma of the past.  Trauma drama is not allowed to be a part of my life and being anyone’s “bad mother” projection is trauma drama in action.

   

  I want a HEALTHY and HAPPY attachment village, not one that is made up of people  who are as unhealthy as the anti-attachment family I was raised within.

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