Ann Garvey's List: *2013-7-20

• I will tell you something of myself, I may have already told you but not the reasons why. This will probably not go over well and may scare you in some way but I am going to tell you anyway, and I will not be holding anything back. I am willing to accept whatever happens
• In 2011 I tried, apparently unsuccessfully to kill myself. I was feeling of no worth, I was deeply depressed and so full of anger at myself and my lack of not being in control of me, my emotions, not being able to support my family. I was having constant flashbacks of horrible things not only from my recent past but from things that were done to me as a child.
• This was and will always be the single most vivid memory I have or will ever have. I was safe for once in my life.

1 more annotation...

• This is not me having a childish tantrum, this is me and my insides totally freaking out in so many ways. After his most recent visit he spent two hours with me as opposed to a long weekend with them. Seeing all off them and grandchildren, due to a “misunderstanding” my children where not seen. From that whole facade we took it that parents can’t be neutral neither did he try and reconcile us all, so as I seen it he had decide what side of the fence he wanted to live on whose lies he believed… So we moved on with our lives like before
• A visit this afternoon stoked the fires of rage again, just when I think I have stopped being angry about them all. Something NEW comes along not only was I told last but I have to wait so they can see him first and do the dutiful children. WTF they have blamed him always for everything that has gone wrong in their lives, no respect for who he is or what he has gone through.
• so to cut a long nights story short, off I go to the doctors, being positive she would say Mrs blah you have fat boobs and there is nothing there, after going through the trauma of her checking both breasts she stated yes you have a lump and we need to get you in for scan asap. No positive worry not speech, just lets get you there as soon as possible. WTF!!!! then she moved onto my Liver and kneaded it like bread, how much pain was she trying to cause all sorts of weird and wonderful questions she asked. The up shot is we are having a liver scan too, and another lower back scan/xray. I went in there positive that I could cope with it all and left with S, practically taking over so I could take it all in Being told this would all start to happen within days.

• I know why people do it now some thought are too private to share with the world web, also some thought singletons would not get it only DIDers understand what we are chatting about. Life inside and out has been hard of late which is bring a lot of stuff up to deal with, so much anger, rage and memories stuff that so many should not have to read. So I have password the blog.

   

2 more annotations...

• Since Mom died a very strange thing has begun to happen. As long as she lived, I would try to "fix" everything she thinks I did wrong - but I was never good enough for her. I could never be "right", or pretty enough, or make her happy enough.
   
   Now that she is gone, that feeling of inadequacy is beginning to drown itself in self respect. Sometimes, there are times of fear of who I am and being found out because of the DID, but aside from acute loneliness, I feel whole and I have a friend. She's married so we don't get together much, but we try to at least talk every week. Life, I hope, is beginning to get better.
• Because of being DID, there are small ones who now don't know what to do with her absence. We aren't "done". We aren't "finished". We haven't had what we need to grow and mature. And now, there is no chance that it will happen. We will remain unfinished, undone. I don't know how to complete my childhood. There are so many questions. So many that will forever remain un"done"
• My biggest problem is that I wasn't done; I wasn't ready to be let go. My relationship with Mom was intentionally damaged by my siblings and there wasn't enough time to repair it. I'm afraid that Mom died thinking I was a bad person and now she will never know the truth. Time just ran out.

1 more annotation...

• “I’ve been in these groups for the past 30 years,” she began …

   

  … and in an instant, I felt as if someone had opened my eyes.

   

  Just think about it.

   

  Thirty years.

   

  At that moment, I knew what my goal in life was going to be: I was going to get well.

• I used to help people out of obligation, because my upbringing was very full of that. I had to do certain things because you were obligated to or else it would make the abuser look bad. And you didn’t want to do that.

   

  So it was only very recently that I have been able to move out of that.

• For most of my life, I lived in a world of fear and lack. I was afraid that I didn’t have enough, or that it would all be taken from me somehow.

   

  When you live in that mindset, it not only makes you unhappy, but you end up doing weird things like hoarding stuff that you’ll never need but what if you did?
• This is sort of like the gratitude exercise, but it helps you to see how much abundance is all around you, how the world really is not a fearful empty place, but a place that is bursting with things just for you, more than you will ever need.

2 more annotations...

• From what I've read about the real live Eve, the reason for her developing DID was not what was shown in the film. She had 22 to 26 personalities, not 3. I thought the cure for Eve in the film was very unbelievable. When she knew what caused her DID in the film, the two other personalities went away and a new "healthier" personality stayed to live her life.
   
   I found the ending insulting to those of us with DID.
• Woodward deserved the Oscar she won for her portrayal of Eve White, Eve Black, and Jane, but the playwright got the story wrong - again. I don't think Hollywood will ever get it right. They didn't then and they haven't yet - at least to my knowledge. Life with DID is just not Hollywood enough to make a movie about it.
• There are times in the life of a person with DID when all the others go quiet. That time might be a stressful situation that the system never prepared or created an alter for - something the system could not foresee.
   
   I've gotten used to the noise in my head and find it comforting. But when faced with a new, never before experienced trauma, the silence is deafening and panic sets in.
   
   Anyone else with DID experience this?
• I had a friend threaten suicide this week, which really freaked me out. I even contemplated deleting this friend from my newsfeed on Facebook because I really don't need the stress in my life, and when things like this happen it reminds me that I am fragile.Yes, I can be a selfish jerk at times, but I didn't delete. I worried, tried to contact this friend, called the police, and several days later, this friend messaged me again, so all is well for now. Although I really wish this friend would seek professional help because I am not professional help. Hell, sometimes I need professional help too.
• She amazes me. She feels crappy, yet she wants to do something nice for me. I need to be more like her. I need to go out of my way more often to do nice things for those around me.
   
   She has been good for me. As I brushed and braided her hair yesterday, I was thankful for this chance to spend time with her and see the wonder and love that dwells in every fiber of her being.

3 more annotations...