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January 1, 2009, Kaieteur News, Kaieteur News awards,

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January 1, 2009, Kaieteur News, Kaieteur News awards

It is the time when the Kaieteur News awards those who in its opinion really deserve some things to help them through the New Year. After all these people had been in the news all through the old year and they had made an impact on national life, sometimes to the point of pulling their hair out of their head.

For example, there is President Bharrat Jagdeo, the travelling salesman who had been walking all over the country trying to keep people motivated. He was also instrumental in dealing condignly with the Customs Anti-Narcotics Unit.

Kaieteur News will be presenting him with a Lie Detector because people are now questioning some of the things that the Head of State says. The polygraph machine that he borrowed for CANU was taken back and he says that he does not have money to buy another for his own use.

That machine is for him and the entire Cabinet and for loan to others in the political arena.

We are also giving him some nets—a new Cabinet, a fishing net to catch the big fish in the cocaine business, and a hair net to keep the few remaining hairs he has on his head.

We are also taking away Janet because that is one net that Bharrat does not need.

Auditor General Deodat Sharma will be given a new job—to count the hair on Bharrat’s head.

Then there is Robert Corbin, the champion of the opposition causes. He stopped walking so we intend to present him with a drum of turpentine to get him moving.

Some people are wondering whether he is really the leader of the PNCR since at times he serves the interest of the PPP. It is unclear to Guyana whether Mr. Corbin is PPPC, a PNCR official, a double agent or a CIA agent. He has lent more support to this government than any other PNCR official or any other Minister.

He too will have to use the lie detector that we have given to Bharrat.

For Priya Manickchand, we will give her a husband and a bigger pair of boots to stamp out domestic violence. She is one of the leading protagonists in this field and the other day she was heard saying that a man would be important because sometimes a father figure is necessary in the home.

We will help her lead by example presenting her with a man-i-chan.

Henry Greene

was acting like a Hollywood star for the longest while. Yesterday the President changed his status. He confirmed him but poor Henry is so hard pressed that he is often caught sleeping.

We are going to give him a reinforced fold-up steel bed so that even on public duty he can put down the bed and catch a rest. He does not even have to get up. We are also giving him a pair of pajamas and a blanket. We were thinking about pampers but that may come next year.

With the two-year extension that Bharrat has given him we are going to give him more time to sleep—enough to take him to the Great Beyond.

Dr Roger Luncheon

At the same time Government has been advocating change in Guyana for the past few years, so much so that it has now become next to impossible to wish for anything else. We will present Dr Luncheon, who is the ultimate spin doctor, with a brand new razor set to shave his trademark beard off, in keeping with the season of change.

is still unable to make people understand him. We are giving him a Learn to Speak book.

We are also giving him his personal barber.

Dr Leslie Ramsammy

is so worried about the health of the nation that he has a major contract with the company that makes pharmaceuticals. We will give him a money counting machine so that he does not give more than is necessary.

We will also give him a bottle of alcohol, preferable whisky, because he has been lamenting that Guyanese drink too much and he just can’t get any.

We have to give Robeson Benn a toy plane so that he can understand how a real one works. He did not understand what a near miss was nor did he understand the importance of runway lights.

He will also have to be given a driver’s licence because he has a problem understanding that roads are important and that they must be used by people who drive.

We are also giving him a home near to Prime Minister Sam Hinds because we feel that he is the Prime Minister in waiting.

Prime Minister Samuel Hinds

will get a one-way ticket to anywhere. We are looking for a country to take him and we wish to find that country soon. We are begging—Jones, Wheeler, Court—anybody. Take him. Please.

Capt Gerry Gouveia has been a busy businessman acquiring assets almost at will. We will give him Watooka House. His assets are such that we are also presenting him with another aircraft so that he can oversee his assets and those of the government that he may eventually own.

Glenn Lall

will be given a chance to face Bharrat Jagdeo and Bobby Ramroop cowboy fashion. At stake would be Guyana Times and Kaieteur News. If Bobby wins he takes Kaieteur; if Glenn wins then he will take over Guyana Times. Bharrat may even put up Sate House.

Since he is also playing Santa we are sending him to work at Fidelity Investments where he can have a never ending supply of Polar Ice in light of global warming.

Hammy Green

will get no more chances to be a mayor. We will also allow him to open a TV station so that he can speak his mind. Of course he is always calling a press conference to get into the news. And like Bharrat, he is always travelling. We are going to give him a very large suitcase.

He is also a gunslinger so we are going to give him a horse to match his sombrero.

Gary Best

Karan Singh

Frank Anthony

Carl Singh

is going to get a copy of the Domestic Violence Act. We were thinking about a pair of boxing gloves for him and a hammer for his better half.has been begging people to conserve water. Today, the country has water right up to its ‘you know where’. We are going to give Karan water and some oil—in fact, lots of oil. will get a lesson in keeping promises, especially those he makes to sportsmen. We are also giving him a blank cheque to pay the Carifesta workers. and Ian Chang will be given Oscars for acting. Hollywood has failed to recognise them but we do. Keep acting. You deserve it guys!

To Manniram Prashad, we say reduce your salary in the same way you want the minibus and speedboat operators to reduce their fares. We are also giving him a share in a cell phone company for the cell phones he helped to enter the country duty free.

We are also giving him a chance to a safe so that the people in parliament cannot ever steal his salary again.

And of course we are giving him a chance to continue making Guyana something. Right now, by the time he is through with the tourism industry Guyana will be the lost resort for tourists.

Donald Ramotar

Robert Persaud


has been busy running the PPP so that it could remain in power despite the best efforts of some of the very people in the party. We are recruiting a host of small children so that he could have a real party—a children’s party. Of course, right now he is the best option for Santa Claus with his beard. has been a great walker and talker to the extent that he has taken to sleeping in his long boots because Bharrat has told him that if he wants to be President he has to be there with the people. We are giving him a boat to go to the conservancy and to the backlands where there is real flooding.

We are also giving him a chance to take a lie detector test in front of the farmers. Then there is the house that we are giving him because he does not have one and is forced to live in a house Guysuco once owned. Poor Robert!.

To Clement Rohee we will present some footwear so that he could attach them to his butt. Just the other day he said that he has been walking his butt off. We cannot have a buttless Minister. We are also going to give him a lesson in identifying criminals. Remember that he is the only person who arrested and charged an unknown person.

Manzoor Nadir

will be given a permanent place in the PPP because he desperately wants permanency. He has had a rough year and hardly any chance to get the publicity that the PPP Ministers get, hence sudden spurt of grey beard..

We are also going to give him a video camera so that he can record his performances and have them rebroadcast on CNS 6.

Janet Jagan

Winston Brassington

Neil Semple


has been here for longer than most Guyanese and she needs patience so we are giving her a bundle of patience so that she can deal with Bharrat. We are also giving her a muzzle so that she can keep her mouth shut and make Bharrat happy. After all it was Bharrat who said that she is a private citizen and has no say in his business. was crucial to the coming of Digicel so we want to give him a series of cells. He likes to sell so we are giving him a chance to sell Lot 12 from a private cell, perhaps one prepared by Dale Erskine. , the man who dictates traffic. We are going to give him a TIP—Trafficking In Police. All funding from ‘TIP’s’ would be going to him.

To Raphael Trotman we give two additional seats in Parliament, one for Gaumattie who he never allowed to sit, and one for the part time Member of Parliament, Chantelle.

To C.N. Sharma we bequeath two young ladies, one to give him his pressure tablets before he goes to bed and the other to change his pajamas.

Khemraj Ramjattan

Aubrey Norton


Freddie Kissoon
 
Gordon Gilhuys 
 
has been a good boy but things have not gone his way. We are giving him licence to procure a firearm because when he got into his trouble, the poor man was said to be unlicenced. We are also going to give him an armoured plated vehicle because he is known to attract bullets.

will get a new 4X4 and a Sarah Palin pair of spectacles to replace the thick ungainly pair that he has. is going to be given a lesson in dealing with Bharrat. He wants to be leader of the party that Robert leads and he has the ambition but he does not have the position., you are going to get two pots of cook-up from State House, courtesy of Bharrat Jagdeo, then ice cream to be picked up at Freedom House. Then this newspaper would advise him not to go home after he consumes the food and ice cream but to drive straight to the cemetery.

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on Sep 14, 13