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Richard Hemmer's Library tagged humour →  View Popular

15 Mar 08

TinyPic - Share The Experience!™

    • Actually, here's why: The person could have some sort of heavy stuff to transport from boat to house. Like some sort of part for the lighthouse. Which of course doesn't make the image less funny. But still, since you asked. - on 2008-03-15
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12 Mar 08

Weirdest Crime

I can totally see that happening.

pax-europa.com/weird.jpg - Preview

burglar crime humour tumble wtf

18 Dec 07

Some Useful Condescending Phrases

    • Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
      view.
    • The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
    • I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
      pronounce.
    • Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
    • I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
    • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
    • What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
    • I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
    • I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
    • I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
    • It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
    • Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
    • No, my powers can only be used for good.
    • How about never? Is never good for you?
    • I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship
      me.
    • You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
    • I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
    • I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
    • I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
    • Who me? I just wander from room to room.
    • My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
    • It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm
      really quite busy.
    • At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
    • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
    • I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
      public.
    • Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
      subject.
14 Nov 07

Grim Anniversary + Medieval Law & Order

  • LLCoolCarl III is just the best. - gibarian on 2007-11-14
  • I cleaned up the translation a little to remove some of those eths and ests and such, which you can find in all their glory at the link above. I kept the last, though, as this is my new motto: That appertaineth not to me to do. I'm going to put it on tee-shirts and coffee mugs. And when my wife asks me to do the dishes, I'll just point at the (dirty) coffee mug and nod knowingly.
05 Nov 07

Got Medieval: Beowulf: The Footwear

  • Apparently, Grendel's mother wears high-heels. Or, more accurately, as a shape-shifter*, she has made her feet into high heels.** Now, granted, there are no high heels in the Anglo-Saxon poem, as high heels didn't manage to get invented until the sixteenth century, but this sort of observation is just pure academic pedantry. I might as well point out that there wasn't computer animation in fifth-century Denmark, at least, no computer animation that remains extant. And while some historians theorize that there was a form of computer animation that was transmitted orally, it's beside the point.***

    The important thing here is not the anachronism, it's the symbolism. In order to make Grendel's mother into more of a Stacy's Mom****, the creators of the movie had to dig deep into our collective unconscious to find a symbol for sexuality so unusual, so revolutionary, that the only option left to them was the high heel.

    Now, I hear you saying, "Isn't the high heel already associated with sexuality?" Yes, of course, and that is what makes it so revolutionary. Normal high heels are devices used to create the appearance of sexuality, by making the feet look smaller, the legs longer, the calves tauter, etc. As a shape-shifter, Grendel's mother is in complete control of her physical form. She can make her feet as small as she'd like and lengthen her legs to match. In making her feet into shoes, she has had to actually increase the size of her feet and shorten the length of her leg--she has made herself less sexy, so that she can appear more sexy. The high heels then contribute nothing to the process except for the reminder of their normal function. She's more seductive because she has had to take pains to appear like she had to take pains to appear more seductive. Don't you see, man, the high heels symbolize the very act of symbolism, and isn't that the most symbolic thing of all? I mean, dude. Duuuude.******
21 Feb 07

Linus Torvalds Facts

  • Like the infamous Chuck Norris Facts, only with a lot more nerd and a lot less guns.
     - gibarian on 2007-02-21

    • Linus Torvalds facts


      Linus Torvalds facts are a series of humorous sayings regarding Linus Torvalds.


      Some of them include:



      1. Linus Torvalds edited this page.
      2. Linus Torvalds can program without a keyboard
      3. Since 1969, the year Linus Torvalds was born, software quality has increased 19.000 percent.
      4. The commonest definition of the word programmer is Linus Torvalds
      5. Linus Torvalds didn't learn from the University of Helsinki the University of Helsinki learned from Linus Torvalds.
      6. Linus Torvalds finished the Linux Kernel the day before he started on it.
      7. Linus Torvalds once developed a programming language so good that it makes python look like punch cards.
      8. Linus Torvalds doesn't need to boot.
      9. Linus Torvalds first written program had artificial intelligence.
      10. Linus Torvalds doesn't receive error messages.
      11. There is no theory of probability, just a list of events that Linus Torvalds allows to occur.
      12. Linus Torvalds doesn't use a monitor. He can read the video signals from a VGA cable with his finger.
      13. Linus Torvalds can write to ntfs.
      14. Linus Torvalds can install gentoo in under a day.
      15. When Linus Torvalds writes new software, he just makes punch cards with his teeth and feeds them into a reader.
      16. Linus Torvalds source codes compile themselves.
      17. When Linus Torvalds learned to program, the computer printed HELLO, WORLD by itself.
      18. Linus was considered as being old and stable at 24, but new and bleeding edge at 26
      19. Linus surfs the web using nothing but netcat
      20. Linus Torvalds can play 3D games in his head by interpreting the source code in real-time.
      21. Being touched by Linus can cure carpal tunnel syndrome. He does not cure RMS because he thinks it's funny to listen to RMS dictating code for the HURD.
      22. Linus Torvalds only wears glasses to make him seem more human.
      23. Linus Torvalds can fluently converse with setup wizard. They play basketball on Sundays.
      24. Linus Torvalds is the only known entity capable of uploading pure pleasure.
      25. Linus Torvalds can read your computer registry from any given point in the world, through any material.
      26. Linus Torvalds takes one look at your desktop and knows which porn sites you visited. In the last ten years.
29 Aug 06

The Middle East in a bourne shell

  • $ cd /middle_east
    $ ls
    Afghanistan   Iraq          Libya         Saudi_Arabia  UAE
    Algeria       Israel        Morrocco      Sudan         Yemen
    Bahrain       Jordan        Oman          Syria
    Egypt         Kuwait        Palestine     Tunisia
    Iran          Lebanon       Qatar         Turkey

    $ cd Afghanistan
    $ ls
    bin  Taliban    
    $ rm Taliban
    rm: Taliban is a directory
    $ cd Taliban
    $ ls
    soldiers
    $ rm soldiers
    $ cd ..
    $ rmdir Taliban
    rmdir: directory "Taliban": Directory not empty
    $ cd Taliban
    $ ls -a
    .            ..           .insurgents
    $ chown -R USA .*
    chown: .insurgents: Not owner
    $ cd ..
    $ su
    Password: *******
    # mv Taliban /tmp
    # exit
    $ ls
    bin
    $ cd bin
    $ ls
    laden
    $ cd ..
    $ rm -r bin/laden
    bin/laden: No such file or directory
    $ find / -name laden
    $
    $ su
    Password: *******
    # mv bin /tmp
    # exit
    $ pwd
    /middle_east/Afghanistan
    $ cd /opt/UN
    $ ln -s /Bad_Guys/Al_Qaeda /middle_east/Iraq/.
    ln: cannot create /middle_east/Iraq/Al_Qaeda: Permission denied
    $ su
    Password:*******
    # ln -s /Bad_Guys/Al_Qaeda /middle_east/Iraq/.
    # cd /middle_east/Iraq/Al_Qaeda
    Al_Qaeda: does not exist
    # rm /middle_east/Iraq/Al_Qaeda
    # mkfile 100g /middle_east/Iraq/Al_Qaeda
    mkfile: No space left on device
    # rm /middle_east/Iraq/Al_Qaeda
    # cd /opt/Coalition/Willing
    # mkfile 1b /middle_east/Iraq/Al_Qaeda
    # chown -R USA:Proof /middle_east/Iraq/Al_Qaeda
    #exit
    $ cd /middle_east/Iraq
    $ ls
    saddam
    $ ls
    saddam
    $ ls
    saddam
    $ ls -a
    .            ..           saddam
    $ find / -name [Ww][Mm][Dd]
    /Korea/North/wMd
    $ wall Propaganda.txt
    Broadcast Message from USA (pts/1) on USS_Abraham_Lincoln Th May 1st
    Mission Accomplished!
    $ rm saddam
    saddam: No such file or directory
    $ find / -name saddam
    /var/opt/dictators/spiderhole/saddam
    $ wall NewsWorthy.txt
    Broadcast Message from USA (pts/1) on Time.Magazine Sat Dec 13
    We Got Him!
    $ mv /var/opt/dictators/spiderhole/saddam /opt/jail
    $ cd /opt/USA
    $ cp -Rp Democracy /middle_east/Iraq
    $ cd /middle_east/Iraq/Democracy
    $ ./install
    Install Error: Install failed.  See install_log for details.
    $ more install_log
    Installed failed!
    Prerequisite packages missing
    Conflicting package Wahhabism found in /midde_east/Saudi_Arabia
    Packages Church and State must be installed separately
    File System /PeakOil nearing capacity
    Please read the install guide to properly plan your installation.
    $
    • That's a very nice and concise way of presenting the conflict. Well done! - on 2006-08-29
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