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This past year, I have come to appreciate the power of truly loving myself. Most of my life, being alone was one of my biggest fears. I found myself in numerous relationships for the wrong reasons and ended up settling in ill-fitting ‘partnerships’. This deeply rooted fear and lack of understanding of myself caused the relationships to become my whole world; my focus of attention; my center. I would sacrifice my own goals for the other person. And, when the relationship collapsed, so did my sense of self.




Through much introspection, I realized the source of these failed relationships was myself. I realized that I didn’t truly love or appreciate myself and had relied on external sources for love and approval. I decided to change. I had to overcome my fear of loneliness by finding independence and personal freedom. Even since I found true appreciation for myself, the quality of relationships I have attracted has been phenomenal. I have discovered that the more I loved and understood myself, the less I feared being by myself, and the more healthier relationships I was able to attract into my life.




I started doing what I called “Dates with myself“. Regardless my external relationship status, I would schedule time with myself. I would literally take myself out on a date and spend that time totally focused on myself. It’s my time. We spend so much time and energy focused on others that we forget to recharge the source of that energy. It is only when you are well that you can have the energy and internal resources to make a positive difference and help others. This is a simple, yet powerful concept that can dramatically improve your wellbeing, effectiveness and mental health.






Before attempting a ‘date with yourself’, Here are a few things to keep in mind:





• Remove Disturbances - unplug your phone, power down the cell phone and blackberry, shut down the computer, turn off the tv. Do not let your mind get distracted during your self-date. This is your time to just be with yourself.


• Being Solo - It’s important that you are on your own. You can talk to strangers, and make new friends, but you are on the self-date to get acquainted with yourself, no one else. If you live with a partner, schedule it so he/she isn’t home, or just take yourself out of the house. If you have kids, find a sitter, or plan around when your kids are not at home. It’s also important to realize that this time is a gift for yourself, and you should only be focused on your well-being.


• Schedule - Plan how long you would like your dates to last. Set a minimum time, and commit to focus on yourself for at least that time. I typically schedule 2-4 hour dates with myself.


• Communicate - if you are in a relationship, it’s important to communicate what you are doing and it’s benefits clearly with your partner. Not only do we get their support, but also avoid any misunderstandings or neglect.

Here are some ideas for ‘dates with yourself’. You can intermix several activities below into one date:





• Reading Date - Go to a trendy café or find a comfortable place at home and read something inspirational for an hour or more. Have some hot herbal tea, cut up some fruits or crackers with cheese. Fully enjoy the experience.


• Forgiveness & Gratitude Date - Find a comfortable spot. I like to sit on a bench overlooking the water at sunset, or curled up on the couch in my living room table surrounded by candles.
  
  
  
  • Forgive - Write on a journal or loose paper all the things you forgive yourself for. We tend to be very harsh on ourselves, and voluntarily blame ourselves internally for failures, failures of achievement, failures to action, etc. Take this time to forgive yourself for all the harsh things said, for mistreatment of your health, etc.
  
  
  • Gratitude - List out all the things in your life you are thankful for. This is my favorite thing to do.
  
  
  • Admiration - List out all the things that others admire about you. What are some things they’d say that you are good at or have natural abilities towards? Notice that I wanted you to pretend to be another person looking at yourself. We tend to blank on this question when asking ourselves directly.
  
  
  
  


• Musical Date - Take in a live concert after treating yourself to a healthy and satisfying meal. For example, every Thursday, I used to make myself a great raw vegetarian meal and then go to the Symphony. Did you know that you could get cheap single tickets in the first 4 rows? In Seattle, it’s $15 at Seattle Symphony. Most people are not aware of this. It’s not advertised.
  
  Another idea is going to a jazz club or a show. Talk to strangers when you are there. You’ll find the experience much more rewarding.


• Yoga or Meditation Date - Take a group yoga or meditation class at a local gym, community center, or temple. I used to do drop in classes at YMCA. They are $10 a class for non-members. After class, jump into the Jacuzzi if there is one. Come home, enjoy a light meal and relax for the evening.


• Outdoors Date - Go for a long walk in an area that interests you. Go to a park, go camping, go for a long drive. I like to spend an hour on Sundays walking through the ‘pike place’ market (local farmer’s market) with my dog, Tommy. I enjoy seeing all the tourists, fresh produce and the energy in the market. I also like to walk along the waterfront. It’s a good idea to bring a book and some water with you. Wander without rushing.


• Art & Culture - Go to an art gallery opening or a local museum. In Seattle, we have the art walk the first Thursday of every month where many galleries are open into the night. It’s very festive and inspiring, and I especially enjoy the people watching.

5. If a new spirit is to be infused into this old country, there is one thorny and contentious reform which must be tackled, and that is the humanization and galvanization of the B.B.C. Timidity here will bespeak canker and atrophy of the soul. The heart of Britain may be sound and of strong beat, for instance, but the British lion's roar at present is like that of Bottom in Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream — as gentle as any sucking dove. A virile new Britain cannot continue indefinitely to be traduced in the eyes or rather ears, of the world by the effete languors of Langham Place, brazenly masquerading as ‘standard English’. When the Voice of Britain is heard at nine o'clock, better far and infinitely less ludicrous to hear aitches honestly dropped than the present priggish, inflated, inhibited, school-ma'amish arch braying of blameless bashful mewing maidens!

The inflated style itself is a kind of euphemism. A mass of Latin words falls upon the facts like soft snow, blurring the outline and covering up all the details. The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. When there is a gap between one's real and one's declared aims, one turns as it were instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish spurting out ink. In our age there is no such thing as ‘keeping out of politics’. All issues are political issues, and politics itself is a mass of lies, evasions, folly, hatred, and schizophrenia. When the general atmosphere is bad, language must suffer. I should expect to find — this is a guess which I have not sufficient knowledge to verify — that the German, Russian and Italian languages have all deteriorated in the last ten or fifteen years, as a result of dictatorship.

But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought. A bad usage can spread by tradition and imitation even among people who should and do know better. The debased language that I have been discussing is in some ways very convenient. Phrases like a not unjustifiable assumption, leaves much to be desired, would serve no good purpose, a consideration which we should do well to bear in mind, are a continuous temptation, a packet of aspirins always at one's elbow. Look back through this essay, and for certain you will find that I have again and again committed the very faults I am protesting against. By this morning's post I have received a pamphlet dealing with conditions in Germany. The author tells me that he ‘felt impelled’ to write it. I open it at random, and here is almost the first sentence I see: ‘[The Allies] have an opportunity not only of achieving a radical transformation of Germany's social and political structure in such a way as to avoid a nationalistic reaction in Germany itself, but at the same time of laying the foundations of a co-operative and unified Europe.’ You see, he ‘feels impelled’ to write — feels, presumably, that he has something new to say — and yet his words, like cavalry horses answering the bugle, group themselves automatically into the familiar dreary pattern. This invasion of one's mind by ready-made phrases (lay the foundations, achieve a radical transformation) can only be prevented if one is constantly on guard against them, and every such phrase anaesthetizes a portion of one's brain.

By following Orwell’s 5 rules for effective writing, you’ll distinguish yourself from competitors and clearly communicate your ideas.

1. Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.

This sounds easy, but in practice is incredibly difficult. Phrases such as toe the line, ride roughshod over, stand shoulder to shoulder with, play into the hands of, an axe to grind, Achilles’ heel, swan song, and hotbed come to mind quickly and feel comforting and melodic.

For this exact reason they must be avoided. Common phrases have become so comfortable that they create no emotional response. Take the time to invent fresh, powerful images.

2. Never use a long word where a short one will do.

Long words don’t make you sound intelligent unless used skillfully. In the wrong situation they’ll have the opposite effect, making you sound pretentious and arrogant. They’re also less likely to be understood and more awkward to read.

When Hemingway was criticized by Faulkner for his limited word choice he replied:

Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? He thinks I don’t know the ten-dollar words. I know them all right. But there are older and simpler and better words, and those are the ones I use.

3. If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.

Great literature is simply language charged with meaning to the utmost possible degree (Ezra Pound). Accordingly, any words that don’t contribute meaning to a passage dilute its power. Less is always better. Always.

4. Never use the passive where you can use the active.

This one is frequently broken, probably because many people don’t know the difference between active and passive verbs. I didn’t myself until a few months ago. Here is an example that makes it easy to understand:

The man was bitten by the dog. (passive)The dog bit the man. (active).The active is better because it’s shorter and more forceful.

5. Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.

This is tricky because much of the writing published on the internet is highly technical. If possible, remain accessible to the average reader. If your audience is highly specialized this is a judgment call. You don’t want to drag on with unnecessary explanation, but try to help people understand what you’re writing about. You want your ideas to spread right?

6. Break any of these rules sooner than saying anything outright barbarous.

This bonus rule is a catch all. Above all, be sure to use common sense.These rules are easy to memorize but difficult to apply. Although I’ve edited this piece a dozen times I’m sure it contains imperfections. But trust me, it’s much better now than it was initially. The key is effort. Good writing matters, probably more than you think.

I hope you find these rules helpful, and through their application we’re able to understand each other a little bit better. If you enjoyed this post, be sure to read Orwell’s original essay. It contains many helpful examples and is, of course, a pleasure to read.

I read this essay over 10 years ago. It changed the way I viewed the writing process. Lazy (’foolish’ according to Orwell) thinking if allowed to become lazy writing encourages even lazier thinking.

I think it was C.S. Lewis who said (echoing Einstein), and I paraphrase: If you can’t explain it to a 12 year old then you have not understood the concept. And how better to know you understand, than to put fingers to keyboard!

@George

Here is worthwhile advice to you:

Don’t use the word ‘quite’ in every other sentence, especially when you are criticizing someone. It looks snobbish and stupid.

When you communicate a point, be direct.

Throw out all the quites, almosts, evens, pretty muches and their friends too. Write with authority and people will believe you.

See rule #3.

My 2 cents:

Avoid the use of automatic and superlative adverbs - these words (ex from the article - ‘incredibly’, ‘highly’), break rules #3 and #1, adding unnecessary and meaningless mass to your writing.

A personal rule: never describe something as ‘ironic’ or refer to ‘irony’ unless you take A FULL 30 SECONDS to evaluate the truth of that description. Actual irony is rare - paradox, coincidence, and the unfortunate are far more often the true circumstances to be thoughtlessly given the ‘irony’ title. This last sentence was brought to you by the passive voice.

This reminds me of David Bourland’s work on E-prime (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E-prime). Bourland suggest that we should drop the verb “to be” in all its forms. This removes the passive voice and force the writing to be more precise.

For example, writing “the rose is red” lacks clarity. Roses don’t inhibit “red” in themselves. Color is an experience in the mind of the observer. To sharpen your message you can instead write “The rose appear red to me”. This gives information that we talk about a subjective experience.

Be sure to check out the link I provided for more details.

“You can have brilliant ideas, but if you can’t get them across, your ideas won’t get you anywhere”.

Lee Iacocca

One of the trickier things about social skills is to get your message across.

One reason why people have difficulty with this is because they use more words than needed.

I know. I have done so too many times to count. I keep babbling on and on about something for far too long and fill the air with too many words.

How do you keep your wordcount down? I think you just have to try to be more aware and alert. Think about what you are about to say before it whooshes out of your mouth. Focus on what you really want to convey.

Babbling on too much is, at least in my opinion, something that often comes from being too focused inward. Being too focused on yourself in a conversation.

If you instead focus more outward you’ll be less self-conscious. This reduces nervous and slightly nonsensical babbling.

And if you focus more outward, on the people you are talking to and less on your own glorious voice and golden words you’ll be more aware of what you are saying and how the conversation is going. If you focus on the other guy/gal you’ll be more focused on getting through and more attentive to the reactions you bring out.

So, stay aware of what you want to convey. And focus much of your attention outward to reduce babbling and to be more alert to what’s happening and how your message comes across. Now, on to reason number one why you should keep it simple.

1. Clarity.

5 Reasons Why You Should Simplify Your Blog Post, and How to Do It

1.) Spell Check (forces you to rethink the Genesis Thought)

2.) Talk less about “why” and get to the “how” quicker:

- type out your blog post

- delete it

- retype it at 3 AM from memory

- finally, cut the word count in half

- shake, don’t stir

3.) It’s not a conversation; it’s about distilling mental images down to a base material that is easy enough for strangers to use at cocktail parties; not at the book of the month club.

4.) 3 reasons are more than enough.

5.) Teach don’t preach.

The ambition that inspired the article is great. So are the reasons, but maybe the “how to” is a little bit light? Just a thought. After all, we’ve all had that experience when we know we’ve just talked too much, bored the audience, confused our listener, and so on. The sell on why it’s worth simplifying seems like it could be pretty short. Learning to focus, though, is something one could write a book about… without over-explaining.

“How to Win Friends and Influence People,” by the way, gives several good tips on how to converse with people in a way that impresses (a great deal of which involves letting the other person do most of the talking). There are also language tips. For instance, you come across as smarter when you use words that are not “latinate,” which runs against common belief.

Another great tip is to take a look at story telling sites (there are professional storytellers) and study, as somebody suggested, joke telling. Both will give you an idea of how to keep the thread of conversation taut.

You might also keep a stopwatch running in your head and imagine that, each time you speak, you have only so much time you’re allowed to flap your gums and then it’s time to stop. Can you get in what you want to say in that time? The more this becomes a habit, the better you’ll get. Some of just conversing simply just comes from the realization that you don’t own the conversation. You owe the other people involved time for their own input.

That means not interrupting. That means asking questions. That means actually absorbing the details and listening for cues that lay open other opportunities for more questions (not an interrogation, but genuine interest), and so on.

You get the picture.