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28 Feb 09

The 11 Most Unintentionally Gay Rap Lyrics Ever | Cracked.com

The 11 Most Unintentionally Gay Rap Lyrics Ever. At least we think it's unintentional.

www.cracked.com/nally-gay-rap-lyrics-ever.html - Preview

02 Jan 09

The 6 Coolest Things You Can Do With Your Dead Body - Page 2 | Cracked.com

www.cracked.com/article_16858_p2.html - Preview

Dukinfield Crematorium in England was having a problem when it came to burning their fresh crop of bodies: They couldn't afford to perform their creamationary duties while simultaneously keeping the mourners of the dead warm within the chapel. Their solution was a controversial one as they proposed that the energy given off should be recycled to power the chapel's boiler and lighting system. The system would capture the heat released by both the furnaces and the dead, then pass them through heat exchangers which would then be pumped into radiators.

No effort was made to NOT make it look like a place that burns humans.

But if you can power one little building, why don't you go all out and power a whole town? Three Swedish cities (Boras, Helsingborg and Racksta) are doing just that. Using the same basic ideas stated above, these crematoria have all cut deals with their local power companies and are contributing up to 10% of their respective towns' energy.
Old school style mummies are played out. Now, we have a far more elegant way to keep people around way, way longer then they need to be. This new process is called "Plastination" and, just as the name suggests, it involves cramming a dead body so full of plastic that it essentially turns it into the giant action figure Jeffery Dahmer wanted as a child.
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- The process of plastination can be broken down into five steps, all of which kind of sound like hunting process of a serial rapist:
  
  1) Fixation: Where decay is halted by the injection of formalin, a bacteria fighting agent, into the arteries of the body.
  
  2) Dehydration: After the doctors slice-and-dice whichever organs they wish to set aside for later, the body is placed in an acetone bath where all of its fats are dissolved away and its water sucked into the body's cells.
  
  3) Forced Impregnation: The body is placed in a vacuum chamber with a polymer such as silicone rubber. As the acetone leaves the cells it swiftly draws in the liquid polymer behind it, leaving the cell filled with plastic.
  
  4) Posing: Once every cell is loaded with plastic the body can be maneuvered around to strike any pose the scientists wish. It is also in this step where the scientists must resist their primal urges to place the bodies in lewd sexual positions while their hands perform obscene gestures.
  
  5) Hardening: The body gets hard and just, kinda, you know, stays that way. There really isn't a whole lot of science involved in this step.
  
  The process takes just over a year to complete with the end result being a mannequin-like figure that serves as a diorama for the internal workings of the human body. The Institute for Plastination - located in Heidelberg, Germany - is always accepting bodies, but keep in mind that they will not, under any circumstances, except bodies that were thrown at their front doors from speeding cars. All bodies used are willing participants in the project... sort of.

The 6 Coolest Things You Can Do With Your Dead Body | Cracked.com

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Get Turned Into a Pencil

For those of you who prefer something less violent but more subtly creepy, Nadine Jarvis has a solution. She is an English product designer who designs things that never should be designed.

Like this.

But when it comes to thinking-up alternative ways to dispose of a dead body she makes mafiosos around the globe envious of her artistry. Jarvis has embarked on a project to dispose of ashes in a way that will "lengthen death ceremony [sic] to give more time to come to terms with loss." And by that, she means things like making pencils out of your ashes.

Using the cremated remains, or "Cremains," one dead body can produce 240 pencils -- all but guaranteeing that you'll be dead long before you and your grieving family gets the chance to break them all in the most morbidly epic pencil fight ever recorded.

The box of pencils comes with a built-in sharpener, so that the pencil shavings fall back into the box, leaving your family with an urn that has more in common with the floors near the trash bin of every elementary school classroom than a human body.

Just Imagine...

Make plans to have your corpse pencils donated to the local library. Or, even better, an elementary school. You know you'll wind up haunting that shit. You'll be poltergeisting books and desks all around the room, while one priest cowers in the corner and screams "THE PENCILS! WE HAVE TO DESTROY THE PENCILS! ITS HIS BODY! HIS BODYYYYY!!!"

ite is your town when your crime blotters’ listed suspects are either:

A.) Dark-skinned African, or

B.) Asian.

These are not similar descriptions, friends. When a police report is describing some suspects as “either black or some kinda Chinese,” that’s officially time to diversify.