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The problem isn't the relationship, the problem is you.
drive for novelty- "rather than chase new experiences they close off from the outside world and dream them. They don't end relationships, they stay caulked to the inside of one, unmoving, ungrowing, apathetic; while their minds and DVRs are an imaginarium. The few things they do choose to jump recklesslsy into are obvious go-nowheres: one night stands (for the married man); making a movie; daytrading. They're easy to attempt, and easy to blame on externalities when they inevitably fail. They don't break up with the girl, they ignore her until she breaks up with them."
All opportunities are open to anyone who wants to work, a new car, a big house, a career. But no one told the men that those things were for their families, not for them, that none of this would make them happy, and, indeed, would make them realize how little their lives are really worth-- unless they understood that their lives had value only if it was of value to someone else. So for a while they chased sex, affairs, or took up an out of the house hobby (e.g.golf). Something to give them the temporary illusion that they were free, and that the world had possibilties
in list: how to be an adult & be great at it too, BUILD SOCEITY: psychological law
the key to liking someone over the long run is loving and appreciating their quirks. What someone else may find annoying, you must find endearing.
test for when a relationship is coming un-done is when you start to be annoyed by the other person’s long-running idiosyncrasies.
devotion not desperation
authentic not cliches
permanence not digital
amuse -playy,teasy,funny
say it all emotional vulnerability. embarass the enemy. no time for irony or coolness.
"In women, narcissism manifests itself as a greater libido, and in men, a lesser one."Parents spend more time together and with their kids. They are staying together, but they are less emotionally connected than ever. Narcissists cannot connect.
the problem with his libido isn't how hot she is. He's a narcissist: the problem is his libido is that it depends on how hot he is.He looks in the mirror, sees a gut-- he doesn't feel sexy, he can't imagine she would find him sexy, so the libido falls.The woman, by contrast, might actually feel better about her deteriorating body because she's attained value in other ways; and so she figures, "we are aging together." A narcissist does not want to hear that, ever. He can still penetrate you if you become old, fat and ugly; he can't do it if he becomes old, fat and ugly. It's a double whammy of feeling emasculated, while his narcissistic personality structure demands that he be hyper-male, ideal male. He can't attain it. So he thinks you see him as less than masculine. So he doesn't bother with you. So the wife asks, "is he picturing himself with other women when he has sex with me?" No; he's picturing someone else with other women when he does you. It's masturbation. It's not sexy if it's his bloated body underneath Sports Illustrated's Marisa Miller.
The online porn; the glances at the younger women around him. It's not (just) that he finds them attractive: their real appeal is that they do not know him, and with them he could be the man he thinks he should be because they wouldn't know it's an invented identity. And the younger and younger ages of the women isn't about pedophilia-- he's just unconsciously dutch auctioning in on the age naive enough to believe his created identity. What's he going to say to the wife she doesn't already know? Even legitimate successes are subdued because they are not at all surprises. The wife is more involved with every part of the relationship-- the money, the jobs-- his and hers-- the troubles, everything-- that the man has no way to construct an artificial identity she'd believe. He can't pretend he's anything
he's home five hours a day; but three of them he's irritable, short, or outright yelling at them. Kids don't think, "what the hell is wrong with Dad? He should get himself a drink." They think, "oh my God, I must suck. I'm going to get a drink." Alcohol use among teens is going to rise substantially, you heard it hear first, because alcohol is the drug of the lonely surrounded by everyone.
Oh, you want a solution? Here it is: have sex. Even if you're not in the mood. It seems like strange advice-- force yourself to have sex-- but it's the correct advice. The problem is unrealistic expectations of yourself, sex, marriage, etc. Instead of fantasizing, pretending, teasing, silly text messages that come to nothing, whatever, just do it. If nothing else-- and this is nearly unimaginable-- you will both feel better that you did it, that there's nothing wrong with your marriage.
By the way, don't think you're not a narcissist because you're 30 and having sex every day; the involution, the self-absorption gets unmasked as natural aging slows you down.
in list: how to be an adult & be great at it too, BUILD SOCEITY: psychological law
a kind of love that substitutes magnitude of emotions for quality of emotions because that's the next best thing. I don't mean this next part as an insult: toddlers do this. They want you to extra love them up, but if you're watching the Radiation King they'll not hesitate to lick an electrical socket to get attention. They would rather you yell at them than ignore them, and that emotional charge they get temporarily sustains them. Spam isn't ham, but if you're starving it'll do. And yes, eventually you will get used to, and even like, Spam. It is repetition compulsion and it is inevitable.
Yes they are afraid but the real fear is abandonment, starvation: this is your whole life, how do you walk away from everything you know? You know it got violent yesterday, but you also feel emotionally full: the contrast between yesterday's anger and today's teddy bear gift is so gigantic that your emotions top out, like cocaine or winning at blackjack. The absolute value of that love may be much less than "a good man's," but he can't provide the differential. That's the toddler problem.
While you're yelling from the outside "get away from him!" from the inside they try to deflect with high emotion substitutes: drugs, pregnancy, cheating. After a while, your life is that cycle. You can break up, sure, but each of you will probably repeat that pattern elsewhere, because the problem isn't the specific partner in front of you but the way you sustain your relationships. And when you both work off the same patterns, you'll be together ten years longer than you should be.
The only solution I have ever seen work is that one of the people has to change the way they respond to the other. one thing I've noticed about the mutually abusive is their clinging to spirituality because when you live by no rules the psyche demands you to impose them from without:
And when the toddler comes ferociously upon you and yells, "I AM TWO AND I AM UNCONTAINED!" do you beat him like a dog? Teach him that the rest of your life will have to wait while you unleash your anger on him-- so central is his existence? Or rather, do you calmly show restraint, neither do you reward his mania with your emotion? They are filled by your love, but they will settle for your attention. He who feeds a Chaos will raise a Demon.
You can complain about who is glorifying what and how someone is being represented as whatever, but in doing so you ignore the millions of people-- kids-- who are feeling neglected by you and represented only by Eminem et al. If you focus on Domestic Violence and miss their internal struggle, then you will neither stop Domestic Violence nor affect their lives, and they will abandon you. They already have.
in list: how to be an adult & be great at it too, BUILD SOCEITY: psychological law
"Like any woman wracked by SELF-DOUBT, when it FEELS LIKE A SCENE, u feel COMPELLED TO FOLLOW THE SCRIPT. No means no, but yes is what it says on the page. Hence yes to the boss's extra work; yes to letting your friend vent on the phone even though you're late; yes to being in a threesome because your boyfriend wanted to. But later, when you're done shooting for the day and you have a chance to be yourself, you finally say"
If she thinks that the ring is a symbol of what a guy thinks of her, then the small ring is what he thinks of you. Upgrading the ring after the fact won't upgrade his feelings towards you. Which is the problem. RATHER THAN COMMITTING TO HER OWN MAXIM-- it's a symbol of love-- she DOWNPLAYS it, LETTING HIM OFF THE HOOK TO MAINTAIN THE APPEARANCE THAT ALL IS WELL.
The ring isn't a just a symbol of love, but RESTITUITION.Prove to me you think I'm worth it. If it sounds bitchy you aren't listening: you prove to me I'm worth it. Give me something you don't give the other girls, can't give the other girls. You, who can get any girl he wants, make me know how valuable I am. Because I don't have any idea, otherwise I wouldn't be shaking you down for a bigger ring and I certainly wouldn't be trying to get you back.Happiness is not the goal, what she's hoping for is AFFIRMATION. She wants the kind of guy who is a symbol of the value she thinks she wishes she had.typical of so many women: anything that tells me I'm worth it cannot tell me who I am.
thappiness is out so the only objective scale you have to measure value is energy and emotion. Is there passion? Is there drama
hypotheticals like this can only be answered because you're controlling for the most important and limitless variable, the other person. So the point of these hypotheticals isn't to determine a code of behavior but to broadcast to others something about yourself.
The kind of man whom you're going to have to nudge towards a bigger ring, to cajole into being more selfless, to whip into settling for you-- is the kind of guy you are hypothetically attracted to. And you know who that kind of guy finds attractive? You.
These hypotheticals are dreams. The lesson isn't what you would do; but how did you construct the fantasy? That tells you who you are, and it's telling you to you think you should leave your Wednesdays free. He might come over...if you refuse a ring from a guy which is less than what you wanted, thinking it's a symbol of his love but HOPING IT IS NOT a symbol of his love, then the problem isn't the ring, the problem is you.
in list: how to be an adult & be great at it too, BUILD SOCEITY: psychological law
"The truth is that you knew when you bought it whether the ring was what she wanted. What you were banking on is that she'd accept it anyway. It was a kind of test of her love. "
But if your patent/stock/novel/horse comes through and you later do indeed get her that bigger ring, are you going to spend a greater proportion of your wealth on it, or just more money? If not, then you haven't properly understood what that ring represents to her-- crazy or not-- which means that you don't understand her, which means, importantly, that you do not care to try. The point here isn't that she's right, the point is you two are not connected.
Save your money. You'll lose it in the divorce anyway.
hypotheticals r dreams.The lesson isn't what you would do; but how did you construct the fantasy to allow you to do it? That tells you who you are.
if you spring a ring on a woman which you already know is less than what she wanted, hoping that she'll be satisfied but not sure if she'll be satisfied, then the problem isn't the ring, the problem is you.
in list: how to be an adult & be great at it too, BUILD SOCEITY: psychological law
"our confidence about how well we know someone comes from the vividness of our impression of them" but thats not equivalent to the veracity of impressions.
in list: PERSONALITY TYPES & Thinking patterns in decision-making, how to be an adult & be great at it too
enjoy anticipation of the event +stop&enjoy the event itself +enjoy reminiscing about the event =infatuation
[actually the message is from anthony fernando's blog post but i stuck it to this video since it suited the female character in it!!]
"Standards about non-violence, telling the truth, feelings about adultery. Feelings about what you want in life (does this have to do with ethics? Of course, because if you want similar things then you will feel similar feelings of envy or non-envy as the occasion arises)."
Do you both work in similar fashion towards your goals? Do you both keep clean?
You should always have similar ideas about what constitutes good health and the methods for keeping the good health. If one of you works out every day and the other never does then attraction would be lost fast.Physical also means how much energy you have. Is one is filled with energy from eating well, sleeping well, exercise, etc then the other person needs to keep up.
similar curiousity, a similar love of having things you are passionate about, a similar eagerness to explore the unknown.
one side is always aggressive, the other side is always passive. One side always wants to clean thehouse, the other side always wants to mess up the house. And this difference gets wider after marriage. So there has to be a constant recognition, “Ok, this is where I’m splitting the difference” and try to bring that difference back to even. A conscious decision on both sides. It’s a daily check because it happens every day. You have to consciously think, “this is what she would do”, so you do it first.
You need different ways to approach surprise. To bring you back to that feeling you had the first moment you kissed.
It’s good to check the box that you are on a similar path towards contentment. Not necessarily happiness. I’m happy when I’m eating a big lemon pound cake. But then the cake is gone and I feel sick. But contentment, where everything you have is enough. Where everything you don’t have is in just the right spot. And you’re together and that’s good.
"When a person sees their life as a movie, that means they're the main character and everyone else is merely supporting cast."
if the point is about getting the kid to do homework, what difference does it make how she looks or what she's cooked? It doesn't. But the writer cannot grasp this, because the main character in the movie is the mom, the story is about her. Surely, how she looks must have some importance. I hope it requires no elaboration that had the writer chosen to see the clip as a story about a curious but bored child tormented by a descriptionless gadfly, this would have been a very different article indeed.
your kid doesn't want to be around you that much. No one does. This isn't because you're a bad person but because you're an ordinary person. You are not such a unique, creative, intelligent or even interesting person that the kid benefits from constant exposure to you. When you have something to offer, maximize and concentrate that time, and then get the hell out of the way.
Can you be vaguely dissatisfied, unfulfilled and possibly even resentful of your marriage, yet fake it enough that your spouse thinks you love them more than anything? So why do you think you can fool your 8 year old? Because he's 8? He smells it on you, it reeks, like sepsis. And yes, it will spread to him eventually.
"you can never have a good relationship with anyone when your focus is the relationship. There's a human being there who existed well before you got to them, and they weren't built for you or your needs or your parents or your future dreams as an actor. If you want to be happy with someone then your body and mind have to instinctively adapt to their happiness. If you're not ready for this kind of sacrifice, then you're simply not ready."
"to fully understand a person (woman or man) you need to know what keeps them up at night, yes, but you also need to know their favorite bike route, or ice cream flavor of choice, or the story behind the shirt they always wear on the weekends."
what do I have to gain? Will I like them more?, respect them more?, be in some crucial way closer to them? Or will I just be constructing an image of someone being more coherent than they really are? -u will be closer to them when u understand them better
"When people feel valued, they tend to cooperate. When they don't feel valued, they resist what feels to them like submission. If you want cooperation, you must show value. If you want resistance, all you have to do is devalue, criticize, demand, or otherwise show ill-will.
But don't think about showing value - that can smell of manipulation. Focus instead on feeling value for your partner. This will lower emotional intensity and shrink the subject under negotiation to manageable proportions. Regardless of your stance on any specific behavior, always remember that you are negotiating with someone you love, who is more important to you than whatever behavior request you want to make."
""infatuation," when the passion is pumping but in the absence of any intimacy or commitment."
"empty love," when a couple is high in commitment, but lacks any intimacy and passion
high intimacy and passion is on the road to "romantic love."
limerence =involuntary and incessant state of "compulsory longing for another person." hormone levels eventually return to normal after six to twenty-four months of romantic love. However, those who suffer from Limerence are permanently trapped in this stage of euphoria and their cognitions and behaviors become obsessive and compulsive. usually individuals suffer Limerence for three to five years.
that fading dynamic--"disillusionment". Another danger sign for relationships is a courtship filled with drama and driven by external circumstances.
"fine romance"--a solid foundation of love and affection, built on honesty and intimacy. A three-year courtship enabled them to paint realistic portraits of one another, lessening the chances of a rude awakening after marriage. pledging our love or doing sweet things for one another. express less criticism, anger, annoyance, impatience or dissatisfaction to one another.
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many newlyweds are far from blissfully in love. Second, couples whose marriages begin in romantic bliss are particularly divorce-prone because such intensity is too hard to maintain.
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when people first become close they feel a tremendous sense of validation from each other, like their partner is the only other person on earth who sees things as they do. That feeling sometimes fades, and when it does, it can take a heavy toll on the marriage."
Social science has a name for that fading dynamic--"disillusionment"
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in list: PERSONALITY TYPES & Thinking patterns in decision-making, how to be an adult & be great at it too
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limerence, which wikipedia defines as an "involuntary cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person".
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recognizing that sometimes the most powerful attraction reveals itself over time, comes hand-in-hand with a deepening friendship. It might lack the sizzle and drama of limerence, but it also lacks the pain...and it just might go the distance.
dopamine: explorer -adventurer, on the spur of the moment.
serotonin: builder -calm, traditional, loyal friends, enjoys routines, cares possessions.
testesterone: director -analytical, logical.
estrogen: negotiator -communicator, emotional.
attraction- Explorers tend to be attracted to Explorers, and Builders tend to be attracted to Builders, Directors are attracted to Negotiators, and vice versa.... Explorer-Explorer tends to be one of the most unstable combinations, whereas Fisher suspects "most of the world's fifty-year marriages are made by Builders who marry other Builders."
in list: PERSONALITY TYPES & Thinking patterns in decision-making
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Explorers tend to be attracted to Explorers, and Builders tend to be attracted to Builders, Directors are attracted to Negotiators, and vice versa.... Explorer-Explorer tends to be one of the most unstable combinations, whereas Fisher suspects “most of the world’s fifty-year marriages are made by Builders who marry other Builders.”
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all of those reasons are generally of the type "unrealistic expectations" or at least "the wrong impression." In other words, the marriages failed not because of what went on in the marriage, but because people were oriented wrong before they even got married.
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marriages failed not because of what went on in the marriage, but because people were oriented wrong before they even got married.
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