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Get Your ANGRIES Out on 2009-11-26
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Due to the wounding
from childhood, he is unable to trust that he is safe within the
relationship. He fears revealing himself and can't share feelings.
His refusal to express feelings keeps him from experiencing his
sense of insecurity and vulnerability. He often denies feelings
like love that might trap him into true connection with another
human being. He feels rejected and hurt when things don't go his
way but can't distinguish between feeling rejected and being rejected.
He pushes people away first so he won't be rejected. He is often
irritable and uses low-level hostility to create distance at home.
The relationship becomes based on keeping the partner at bay.
He often sets up experiences to get others to reject or deprive
him. He is noncommittal and retreats, feeling put upon and burdened
by partner's requests for more closeness. He becomes a cave dweller
to feel safe.
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a master in getting his partner to doubt
herself and feel guilty for questioning or confronting him. He
encourages her to fall for his apologies, accept his excuses and
focus on his charm rather than deal with the issue directly. He
blames her for creating the problem and keeps her focused on her
anger rather than his own ineptitude
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When backed into a corner,
he may explode and switch to aggressive aggressive behavior then
switch back to passivity.
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He keeps his partner held hostage by
the hope that he will change. He may appease her and clean up
his act after a blow up for several weeks, then it's back to business
as usual.
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He cannot take constructive feedback from others.
His fear of criticism, not following through and his inability
to see his part in any conflict keeps him from advancing on the
job. He may take three roles on the job or switch back and forth
between them.
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The yes
man who is afraid to express his opinion then is secretly angry,
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The boss
or co-worker tyrant who thinks he's perfect and tries to discredit
or eliminates anyone who threatens his power
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does not happen in a vacuum; it requires a partner to
bounce things off of.
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one
who resists and one who get frustrated.
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The little girl learns this pattern
in childhood observing her parents. One parent withdraws and frustrates
the spouse who becomes angry. The little girl learns to take care
of others and get depressed when they don't appreciate it. Desperately
she wants the parents to change but cannot express her deep frustration.
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unconsciously chooses men who will play out the familiar
patterns of her childhood of retreat and attack.
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ignores his real lack of connection with others.
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Relationships, which do not
allow straight talk, frankness and appropriate expression of anger
become destructive.
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the
Rescuer, the Victim or the Manager.
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When she cannot get her needs met, she
becomes the Blamer, the Bitch, and the Rager,
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When the partner
understands the problem and attacks it with determination using
straight talk, some of the man's irritating behavior can change.
Depending upon the severity of the passive aggressive stance,
small inroads can be made. However, there is no easy cure for
this life long habit.
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YOU ARE
NOT HIS THERAPIST--DON'T TRY TO ANALYZE HIM--JUST SET THINGS STRAIGHT
WHEN THEY GO OFF TRACK, THEN DROP THE SUBJECT AND GET ON WITH
YOUR LIFE.
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Set firm limits for
yourself. Stick to them like glue. State them repeatedly.
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Use
‘I messages' to share feelings of disappointment.
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Tell
him how his behavior injures or affects others.
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Tell him that it is a choice he made
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Ask him if he
would like to be treated this way.
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When he says he forgot, point
out that he remembers things that are important to him
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Ask him
how he would feel if you forgot to do things important to him.
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Choose your stand wisely focusing the most important things.
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Look at your own passive
style of avoiding conflict.
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‘No trash talk' when arguing.
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Read articles on fair fighting to ways to
resolve conflict.
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When you must criticize,
be critical of his behavior, not him. Wild recriminations and
threats only make him retreat more to his cave of isolation and
anger.
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Use gentle,
direct confrontation
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He may beat himself up first so you will feel sorry
for him and won't punish him
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Praise
him in areas he does do well often to build up his self-confidence.
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Discuss his fears of being dependent
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Ask him how what you could
do to make him feel safer.
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Point out his pattern of needing
to sulk and how that makes the problems worse
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Point out the positive benefits of feedback and criticism
as something he can learn about himself. Be willing to receive
feedback and criticism yourself. Redefine the relationship as
being open to hearing unpleasant things that will promote positive
change. Together, learn ways to cope with the unpleasant feelings
that being criticized brings up.
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His
anger is expressed through withdrawal, sarcasm, irritability and
intimidation.
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Call his attention
to every attempt to manipulate or control you through anger.
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‘People who are constantly angry have
a lot of fear. Let's try to figure out what pushes your anger
buttons to bring our power struggles out in the open. Show how
anger unexpressed may go underground and fester.
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Nagging
and reopening the subject make things worse. Drop it and move
on.
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the incorrect expression of anger is at the
root of both his and your issues. Your choice daily is to state
your anger in direct, firm, fair ways.
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State consequences when he refuses to negotiate and compromise
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Sing the Beatle song, ‘You see it
your way, I see it my way, we can work it out. We can work it
out!'
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get help in understanding your own need to continue in an unhappy
relationship.
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‘Am I seeking
intimacy from a man who is incapable of closeness? Am I expecting
cooperation and compromise from a man who cannot give it? Is this
man workable? Is he putting energy into behavior change or does
he put his effort into avoiding his problems?' If the above suggestions
don't work and you are constantly upset and raging at him, take
a good look at your need to live with conflict. If you have done
all you can do to correct the situation with no avail and it is
affecting your health, consider leaving. Or accept that things
will not change and try live a happy life anyway.
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Straight communication
is where it's at in having a happy life. In a mature relationship
both partners interrupt their aggressive and passive aggressive
stances and deal with each other in direct ways. Straight communication
brings out a depth of intimacy that is comforting and nurturing
for both.
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How to Deal With Passive Aggressive People | eHow.com on 2009-11-26
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generally defined as a covert or subtle effort to resist, sabotage, or refuse to comply with a request or expectation
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Passive-aggressive people are generally pretty angry inside, but they don't know quite how to express it
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As a result, they attempt to exert control over a situation in a passive way, which often appears on the surface to be cooperative, but outcomes consistently demonstrate resistance.
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you must address it and confront it. If you don't, YOU will be a part of the problem and perpetuate this manipulative nightmare into even greater deterioration.
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Confront it: If you feel strong enough, it is wise to tactfully confront the passive-aggressive person and share the facts with them as you have recorded. These people may not stop their passive aggressive behavior completely, but if they know that you are on to them, they will be far less likely to try it on you again.
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Dealing with a Passive-Aggressive Manipulator (2) - Mental Health - Families.com on 2009-11-26
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Do not be sidetracked into using their language of vagueness and non-assertiveness. Insist on the language of reality
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Do not enter into a battle
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Observe their actions, not their words
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give lots of positive feedback
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Avoid criticism. This will only elicit an endless stream of explanations, rather than what you want: an apology. Nor will there be any behavior changes. Accept that apologies or personality changes are almost impossible to come by with a person with this affliction.
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Do not waste your time attempting to explain to the PA why their behavior is in error.
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This is particularly the case with people who are themselves very rational and logical. This process cannot work with the PA.
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If you can't control your temper, avoid interacting with a PA. Your temper will be interpreted by them as further evidence of your abuse towards them, and further justify their own position as innocent martyr. Under these circumstances, it is better to keep your distance.
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Culture of the United Kingdom - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia on 2009-11-26
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The
culture of the United Kingdom refers to the patterns of human activity and
symbolism associated with the
United Kingdom and its people since its formation in 1707.
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The earliest existing native literature of the territory of the modern United Kingdom was written in the
Celtic languages of the isles. The Welsh literary tradition stretches from the 6th century.
Irish poetry also represents a more or less unbroken tradition from the 6th century to the present day, with the
Ulster Cycle being of particular relevance to Northern Ireland.
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After a period of decline, the poetry of
Robert Burns revived interest in
vernacular literature, the
rhyming weavers of Ulster being influenced by literature from Scotland.
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The Romans, arriving in the 1st century BC
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In the 4th century, a new element was introduced as the first
Christian art was made in Britain
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The Celtic fringe gained back some of the power lost in the Roman period, and the Celtic style again became a factor influencing art all over the UK
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in the UK the different style to some extent fused into a British Celtic-Scandinavian hybrid
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Painters from the continent continued to find work in Britain, and brought the new styles with them, especially the Flemish and Italian Renaissance styles.
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University of Dundee, Press Release. on 2009-11-26
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over the last two hundred years more than a million English people have come to live and work in Scotland
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in 2001 there were over 408,000
English people living all over Scotland.
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Most English people live in the Central
Belt. Most come to work and their social composition essentially matches that of the Scots. And with English
migrants being younger than the population as a whole, the research disabuses the idea that the English in
Scotland are elderly.
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Another myth to bite the dust was that anti-Englishness was a serious and increasing problem. Nine out of ten
English migrants claimed they had not experienced anti-Englishness, other than in the form of teasing and
banter, which occurred especially when Scotland played England at rugby or football
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how many came to prefer living north of
the Border
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more
than half of the new settlers considered themselves new Scots
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Less than one in ten considered themselves wholly English.
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Around 1 in 8 of the MSPs in the first Scottish Parliament were born in England
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Many English-born residents commented that they resented the way the media (in England and Scotland) exaggerated tensions and differences between the English and Scots
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The Invisible Diaspora
The English in Scotland
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Dundee - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia on 2009-11-26
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The most significant influx occurred in the mid-1800s with the arrival of Irish workers fleeing from the
Potato Famine and attracted by industrialisation
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attracted immigrants from Italy, fleeing poverty and famine, and
Poland, seeking refuge from the anti-Jewish pogroms in the 19th century, and later,
World War II in the 20th
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The Arabian Nights: Tales of 1001 Nights - the Sunday Times review - Times Online on 2009-11-25
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Indeed, much of Chaucer’s Squire’s Tale is straight out of the Arabian
Nights. This doesn’t mean that Chaucer read the originals or even knew of
their existence. Rather, these marvellous stories had enough innate life to
travel on their own, from the backstreets of Baghdad and Cairo to the
piazzas of Venice and onward, adapting to their changing environment as they
went, like Richard Dawkins’s memes.
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One Thousand and One Nights - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia on 2009-11-25
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The tales themselves trace their roots back to ancient and medieval
Arabic,
Persian,
Indian,
Egyptian and
Mesopotamian folklore and literature. In particular, many tales were originally folk stories from the
Caliphate era, while others, especially the frame story, are most probably drawn from the
Pahlavi Persian work Hazār Afsān (
Persian:
هزار افسان, lit.
Thousand Tales). Though the oldest Arabic manuscript dates from the 14th century, scholarship generally dates the collection's genesis to around the 9th century.
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Story within a story
An early example of the "story within a story" technique can be found in the One Thousand and One Nights, which can be traced back to earlier Persian and Indian storytelling traditions, most notably the Panchatantra of ancient Sanskrit literature
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The Nights in world culture
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This epic has been influential in the West since it was translated in the 18th century, first by
Antoine Galland
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The History of Oil Painting on 2009-11-25
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From the time of the Greeks the chemistry of art and the chemistry of medicine were closely related
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oil paint - history on 2009-11-25
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At the end of the roman empire and up to the Renaissance period (15th century),
this ancient technique was lost and replaced by oil paint and/or tempera. In
Italy and Greece, olive oil was used to prepare pigment mixtures but the drying time
was excessively long and tedious in the case of figures. This drawback led a German
monk, Theophilus, in the 12th century to warn against paint recipes
including olive oil (Schoedula Diversarum Artium). It was reported that Aetius
Amidenus, a medical writer in the 5th century, mentioned the use of a drying
oil as a varnish on paintings. Similarly, it seems that perilla oil was used in
Japan in painting after addition of lead in the 8th century. In the 14th century, Cennino
Cennini presented a painting procedure integrating tempera painting covered
by light oily layers.
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In
fact, as said before, this Flemish painter was not the first to use oil paint,
his real achievement was the development of a stable varnish based on a
siccative oil (mainly linseed oil) as the binder of mineral pigments.
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Historians agree that the masterpiece of Van Eyck, the wedding portrait of
Giovanni Arnolfini and his wife (National Gallery, London) painted in 1434, is
one of the first and the best example of the new technique. If the pigments were
the same as those used by Italian painters, the siccative oil has increased
brilliance, translucence and intensity of color as the pigments were suspended
in a layer of oil that also trapped light. The resulting optical effect obtained
with pigment-oil mixtures and stacked layers explain the enameled aspect of Van
Eyck works. These innovations in the oil medium produced an art that set the
standard for a long time and which has never been surpassed
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