This link has been bookmarked by 33 people . It was first bookmarked on 19 Aug 2007, by Long Raw.
-
09 Aug 10
-
08 Aug 10
-
The Real-Time Relationship (RTR) is based on two core principles, designed to liberate both you and others in your communication with each other:
1. Thoughts precede emotions.
2. Honesty requires that we communicate our thoughts and feelings, not our conclusions -
u’re so lazy! You never help around the house!
This is an example of communicating a conclusion
-
- Thoughts precede emotions. Emotions, in and of themselves, tell you nothing about the facts of reality. Feeling hopeless about your chances of meeting an amazing girl does not actually mean that you have no hope of meeting an amazing girl. And just because losing that game damaged your confidence so much that you feel like you’ll never win again does not mean you actually will never win again.
- Honesty requires that we communicate our thoughts and feelings, not our conclusions. The best way to deal with negative emotions — which are often negative conclusions we’ve come to about ourselves — is to examine the thoughts and feelings behind them.
Let’s revisit those two core principles of the RTR, to see how they apply to dealing with one’s own negativity:
For example, I have always had a fear of losing. As a chess player during my teenage years, this fear surfaced in the form of offering draws to higher rated players when I had a clearly better position. Other times it just kept me out of tournaments altogether: by not playing, I guaranteed not losing.
-
Challenging Negative Thoughts
When you start thinking negative thoughts like this, don’t try to ignore them. If you’ve ever tried to repress negative feelings you know that it just doesn’t work. If anything, it amplifies them. Further, trying to stamp out bad feelings gives you no actionable way out of that state. There are underlying premises, beliefs, and assumptions about you and the world around you that have led you to feeling that way, and those need to be addressed.
So the way out of negative emotional loops is not to ignore them, subdue them, or even “just let them be there”, but to challenge them. Confront the negative self-talk directly and identify exactly why you feel that way. Extract the thoughts that precede the emotions.
-
-
02 Nov 09
-
03 Jun 09
-
11 Apr 09
-
Looking back not even 30 years ago, these people were leaders in their field, the best of the best, “experts.” Today, we’d more likely refer to them as unemployed hacks.
Which brings me to the first point I want to make about becoming an expert: Experts aren’t really experts. They suck at what they do. They just suck a little bit less than everybody else around them at the time.
-
Expertise as Fog
The other point I want to make about pursuing expertise is this: Expertise does not exist.
-
If you’ve set yourself the goal of becoming “a Ruby on Rails expert”, “a blogging expert”, or even say “a fluent French speaker”, you haven’t set a goal at all.
-
If you really want to be fluent, I recommend abandoning the thought process of “achieving fluency” entirely. Setting a goal of “speak $language fluently” is too vague to be achievable.
-
You need to have more concrete goals spread across a small number of days or weeks that eventually add up to something tangible, such as, “This week I will learn vocabulary related to objects in the house” or, “Today I will work on my consonant pronunciation.”
-
clearly measurable by an outside observer.
-
Be less concerned with the adjectives of success–good, great, world-class–and more concerned with taking a worthwhile next step. The path to expertise is the path to nowhere in particular. When you get specific, you get results.
-
-
21 Feb 09
-
-
31 Jan 09
-
29 Jan 09
-
18 Apr 08
-
19 Mar 08
-
15 Mar 08
-
02 Jan 08
-
When you direct your attention to the needs of this moment, every action unfolds into the field of intention. It’s hard to articulate the energy behind this flow, but you know it when you feel it.
-
Every big problem is really just a large collection of tiny problems grouped together and labeled. Success isn’t about doing big things, it’s about doing small things.
-
-
24 Aug 07
-
15 Aug 07
-
06 Aug 07
Page Comments
Would you like to comment?
Join Diigo for a free account, or sign in if you are already a member.